LAUGH LINES

Ready, Aim, Throw: Last week, Russians angry over NATO attacks on Yugoslavia threw bottles at the U.S. Embassy. “It was pretty ugly. In fact, they were throwing bottles as fast as Yeltsin could drink the stuff.” (Jay Leno)

Ready, Aim, Fire: An American Stealth fighter jet was shot down last week. “When President Clinton got the news, he was beside himself. Actually he was beside an intern.” (David Letterman)

Off the Campaign Trail: Jesse Jackson won’t be running for president. “He says the job has changed a lot and he doesn’t think he can handle the pressures of dating.” (Conan O’Brien)

Charge It: A proposal in San Francisco could make credit card machines available for use by the homeless. “What a Visa commercial that’ll be: ‘If you go to San Francisco, bring a sweater, bring your appetite, and bring your Visa card because the wino doesn’t take excuses and he doesn’t take American Express.” (Leno)

Such an Honor: New York City officials are proposing renaming the West Side Highway after Joe DiMaggio. “I’m sure the Yankee Clipper would be proud to have his name on that potholed, garbage-covered stretch of hell. Thanks for the memories, Joe.” (Dennis Miller)

Order in the Court: Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor turned 69. “Kind of an embarrassing moment there at the party. I guess she and Chief Justice Rehnquist showed up wearing the same designer robes.” (Steve Voldseth)

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