Restoring Diplomatic Relations in the Homework Wars
Dear Vicki: School starts in less than a month, and I’m already starting to dread the homework battles. My fifth-grade daughter has enough homework each night to keep her busy from dinner to bedtime, but she shows absolutely no self-discipline without parental involvement.
My husband and I take turns nagging her every 10 minutes. Needless to say, this does nothing for our dinner hours or enthusiasm for school. What do we do?
--FLUNKING OUT
Dear Flunkee: I do the homework myself until it gets too hard, and then I hire a tutor.
Just kidding.
I now have four elementary-school kids, each of whom has more homework than I had in my senior year of high school, and I, too, am beginning to get those back-to-school blues.
A few years ago, my oldest son and I nearly came to blows working together on a geometry mobile; by 1 a.m. we were still hanging spheres and cubes on coat hangers and sobbing in unison. Dashed were my dreams of a Walton family dinner.
The solution for me, at least with that particular child, was to get out of the equation.
I started by calling the teacher; after all, it was her homework that was ruining my life. Then I consulted the counselor in his school to get some tips for getting the job done without bloodshed.
The first lesson I learned was consistency. The kids now come home from school, have a snack for half an hour, and then go into the den to begin homework. We don’t change locations, and we don’t change rhythm; if a dentist’s appointment gets us home an hour later, we still take half an hour for food, then begin.
The second lesson was to get myself out of the picture. I set a kitchen timer for 20 minutes and set it beside my son until he seemed to get a feeling for the passing of time and how much he did or didn’t accomplish. As he got more proficient, we set the timer for longer intervals until we didn’t need it at all.
The third lesson was to let him not finish. It’s important for a child’s teacher to see what he or she understands and what’s still not mastered. If we anxious parents turn in reports so good they could be published, our children are denied the right to learn from their own experience.
I don’t care how sophisticated the science fair projects from the other kids are--it’s safe to say their eager-beaver parents did much of the work anyway--if your child doesn’t really understand photosynthesis, what good is a purple stalk of celery?
Dear Vicki: I have an adorable 21-month-old daughter who, at times, prefers her dad. I understand about the “Daddy’s little girl” thing, but sometimes she throws tantrums or pushes me away. Any pointers?
--NOT THE DADDY
Dear Not: Toddlers are notorious for preferring sitters, grandmas, daddies and Barney to good ol’ mom. Perhaps it’s part of gaining their independence from the person they need most. Perhaps it’s because they already recognize how much it pushes our buttons to be “second-fiddle.” Sometimes, heaven forbid (as in the case of my third child), it’s because they really do prefer the daddy to the mommy: Always have, always will.
I know it’s hurtful, Mom, but trust me when I tell you it is no reflection on your daughter’s love or need for you.
If you look closely, your little girl probably picks daddy when she’s looking for a different set of rules or the “fun guy.” Or of course, if she’s peeved with you and wants to manipulate you a little.
But I guarantee, if you took her on Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride, your terrified daughter would be hollering for you in the dark. No matter how many other people she loves and needs, you will always be right up there when it matters.
As far as the tantrums, that’s a different matter.
You should not ever allow a person under 3 feet tall to bully you by hurting your feelings. Let her know that she is absolutely entitled to love her daddy to pieces, but she is still not allowed to pour Gummi Bears into the milk carton.
Sometimes it’s hard to be the grown-up, Mom, but it’s your job.
Vicki Iovine is the author of the “Girlfriends’ Guide,” a columnist for Child magazine and mother of four. Every Sunday, she’ll answer questions about family, parenting and relationships. Write to her at Girlfriends, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053; e-mail GrlfrndsVI@aol.com. Please include your name and phone number.
