Japan Is Buzzing With Beetlemania--This Y2K Bug Can Make You Millions

Hopeless Situation Bureau: We hate to spoil anybody’s New Year’s Eve plans, but we know that many of you are plotting to ring in 2000 by stealing the Hope diamond--and so we wanted to alert you that the Smithsonian has announced it will post extra security guards around the gem on Dec. 31.

But not to worry. We have alternatives.

For example, you could fill several suitcases with insects and fly to Tokyo, where you will become instantly rich thanks to a bizarre wave of beetlemania sweeping the nation. According to the Associated Press, a Tokyo businessman just paid a record $90,000 for a 3-inch “black diamond” beetle.

Afterward, he refused to be identified, ostensibly out of fear that he might be targeted by burglars. (Earlier this year, thieves raided a Tokyo bug shop and stole beetles worth $67,000.) Another danger is bugnapping, but we think the guy should be more worried about being targeted by psychiatrists, who would surely have him committed for blowing 90 grand on a bug that lives a mere two years in captivity.

Personally, we wouldn’t pay a dime over $30,000 for the thing. Well, maybe $40,000 if it were housebroken. But with so much poverty in the world, $90,000 seems wasteful. For that kind of money, you could buy a dozen high-quality gnats and donate them to the poor.

In Japan, however, black diamond beetles have become so popular that they’re sold in pet shops, train stations, fancy department stores and even vending machines.

It’s only a matter of time before someone starts marketing insect leashes, flea collars, chew toys and tiny rolled-up newspapers for discipline.

Personal Ad of the Week: Spotted in the Bay Area Reporter: “Hall of Justice, early morning. Handcuffed: You going in. Black eye: Me coming out. You smiled. I shrugged. Let’s have a drink.”

Going Postal: In response to several recent columns, reader Rose Long writes: “Will you lay off John Tesh? He is a talented, God-fearing family man who makes beautiful music and is kind to his fans and animals. Your repeated attacks on him are unnecessary.”

Dear Ms. Long: Apparently you don’t read the San Francisco Chronicle, which recently warned that Tesh is recording a version of Ricky Martin’s “Livin’ la Vida Loca” on GTSO Records.

We rest our case.

Off-Kilter Encyclopedia: Cosmetics were such an integral part of ancient Egyptian life that people applied eyeliner and lipstick to statues every day. (Source: Discover magazine.)

Alarming Trends Bureau: The Caribbean nation of St. Vincent and the Grenadines is issuing a 70-cent Mike Wallace stamp. Sure, it sounds harmless now, but what if it inspires postage for other TV newsmagazine personalities, such as Andy Rooney, Barbara Walters or Stone Phillips? Do we really want to live in that kind of world?

Travel Advisory: Lake Jackson, Texas, has two streets going in opposite directions called “This Way” and “That Way.” There’s also a road called “Any Way.”

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Man Deflects Shotgun Blast With Thick-Crust Pizza!” (Weekly World News)

Unpaid Informants: Wall Street Journal, Arizona Daily Star, San Francisco Chronicle, National Journal’s Hotline, U.S. Postal Service. Off-Kilter’s e-mail address is roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.