LAUGH LINES

Goose and Gander: “First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton said she opposes her husband’s ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy for the military. Gee, I wonder why. It worked so great for their marriage. She didn’t ask, he didn’t tell. What was the problem?” (Jay Leno)

Golden Age of TV: “NBC announced they are starting a new game show called ’21.’ It’s all about finding dates for Michael Douglas. If she’s over 21, ‘Get her out of there, she’s disqualified.’ ” (Leno)

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The Essential David Letterman

Top Things You Don’t Want to Hear at a Bus Stop

10. “If it’s crowded, you can sit on my lap.”

9. “Maybe if the bus gets in a big accident, we’ll be on the news.”

8. “Since we’ve been standing here, I’ve swallowed 19 tokens.”

7. “I’m pretty sure this is the bus I left my monkey on.”

6. “Lucky for me I don’t have to go through a metal detector.”

5. “I hope there’s a dead guy on the bus.”

4. “If there’s no seats left on the bus, here’s a tip--old people scare easy.”

3. “Do I smell eggy?”

1. (Puts his ear to the ground ) “The bus is coming.”

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