Because Nothing Says ‘I Love You’ Like a Little Tuberculosis for His Neck
More Gifts of the Modern Magi: You guys are so picky. Although Off-Kilter’s recent Christmas shopping guide covered everything from life-size wicker motorcycles to authentic his-and-her submarines, some of you still weren’t satisfied.
“My grandparents already have a wicker Harley and personalized submarines,” whined a Vancouver, Wash., reader. “Can’t you suggest something else?”
As a matter of fact, we can. Here are our latest gift picks:
* Disease neckties. Sold by the Centers for Disease Control, these 100% silk ties depict actual cells of various afflictions in bright colors. Available in cholera, Ebola, staphylococcus, tuberculosis or malaria. $35 each at https://www.cdcfoundation.org/involve/stuff.html.
* Anti-cat software. Prevents your cat from operating your computer by “analyzing key-press timings and combinations to distinguish cat typing from human typing” and sounding an alarm to scare away the cat if it tries to send e-mail, transfer funds from your bank account or download kitty porn. From BitBoost Systems.
* A $100,000 bejeweled Furby. Designer Sidney Mobell should probably be drawn and quartered for creating this electronic atrocity, which sports a tiara, necklace and earrings fitted with 63 diamonds, 44 rubies, 39 blue sapphires and 10 emeralds. The jewelry is removable--so you can wear it, too. Available from FAO Schwarz, https://store.yahoo.com/faoschwarz/bejeweledfurby.html. Maybe next year someone will come up with a $100,000 bejeweled G.I. Joe.
* A four-story underground bomb shelter. Just in time for Y2K, this northern Washington bunker features a grain-filled storage room, 16-inch steel walls and a 3-ton concrete door that slides open at the touch of a button. The $349,000 price includes a three-bedroom aboveground house.
* Bulletproof book bags and briefcases. Lined with Kevlar, these trendy fashion accessories are sure to come in handy at the next school or office shooting rampage. Marketed by Texas inventor Robert Gold (https://www.citizenshield.com) for $159 to $399. And coming soon: the Commuter Anti-Road Rage Shield, a “catcher’s mitt for .44 magnums” that can be held up to block shots if another motorist opens fire.
* The Eat Yer Face Gelatin Mold Kit. Enables you to make a reusable Jell-O mold in the shape of your face. $19.95 from https://www.specialeffectscookbook.com or (800) 618-5640.
* The vicious reptile chair. For a mere $75,000, you and a guest will be flown to Australia for a helicopter safari in which you’ll hunt the largest reptile known to man (aside from Godzilla): the 20-foot-long, 2,000-pound saltwater crocodile. After your prey is captured, its skin will be turned into a lovely chair for your living room or study. Available from Neiman Marcus. (Thanks to reader Josselyn Baumgartner for sending us this item.)
Alarming Polls: In a StarStock.com survey on whom Americans would trust to date their sons, Dr. Ruth Westheimer and singer Jewel were tied for third.
Lame Joke of the Day: What has four legs, is big, green and furry--and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
Answer: A pool table.
Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Teacher Arrested for ‘Show & Tell’--After He Exposes Himself to 4th-Grade Class!” (Weekly World News)
Bonus nontabloid headline, from Men’s Fitness magazine: “America’s Fattest Cities: Do You Live in the Blubber Belt?”
Unpaid Informants: Chicago Sun-Times, San Francisco Chronicle, Carolyn Kimball, Portland Oregonian. E-mail Off-Kilter at roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.
