Forget About the Power Grid, and Start Worrying About the Lobsters in Y2K

Powder Kegs Ahead Bureau: Just when we thought it was safe to enter the new millennium, along comes word of food riots, mind control experiments and the collapse of America’s judicial system.

Unfortunately, this isn’t wild speculation or rumor. It’s astrological fact, as documented in Sydney Omarr’s horoscope column. In Saturday’s forecast, for example, Omarr warns that every Libra on the planet “will be promised a succulent broiled lobster dinner by a Cancer native. Yum yum!”

We don’t need to tell you that this means disaster. Or maybe we do need to tell you, in which case please be advised that this means disaster. When one-twelfth of the world’s population suddenly demands lobster, there won’t be enough crustaceans to go around, a situation that could easily spark riots or global war.

And that’s only the beginning of the chaos to come.

On Tuesday, Scorpios will be told by a Taurus individual that “I don’t trust you because you hypnotize me into doing anything.” Again, we foresee widespread bloodletting as tensions between Scorpios and Tauruses rise, especially if the Scorpios hypnotize the Tauruses into preparing succulent lobster dinners.

Finally, on Thursday, America’s court system will grind to a halt because every Taurus will “get out of jury duty and be commended for humanitarianism.” The shrunken jury pool will undoubtedly force the cancellation of numerous trials and the release of multitudes of criminals, as predicted in the horoscope for Cancers on the same day: “Feeling of being closed in is temporary; you’ll soon break free with blessings of authorities.”

Alarming Trends Report: A Florida company called Flip It Corp. has created a device that imprints custom messages or pictures on pancakes. “Imagine the image of your son or daughter” on a pancake, says a press release. A political version of the machine has been commissioned for next year’s Republican convention, to produce pancakes stamped with the GOP logo.

Weird Polls Bureau: A reader survey in Cosmopolitan magazine found that 38% of women want to sleep with Batman, while 33% would prefer Superman.

Quotes Inc.: From Chicago columnist Zay N. Smith, commenting on news that Republican presidential candidate Alan Keyes keeps griping that his campaign is being ignored because he is black: “Keyes is currently at 4% in the New Hampshire polls, three points ahead of Sen. Orrin Hatch of Utah and Gary Bauer, who are evidently black also.”

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Hillary is Beefing Up . . . to Be a Vote-Getter Like Jesse ‘The Body’ Ventura!” (Weekly World News)

To improve her odds in the New York Senate race, Hillary Rodham Clinton is supposedly lifting weights, gulping protein supplements and punching a heavy bag (no, not Monica Lewinsky). The first lady believes that bulging muscles could help her project an image of strength, although she doesn’t want to overdo it. “She doesn’t want to look too masculine,” one source said. “You won’t see her looking like Arnold Schwarzenegger with a wig.”

The source refused to comment on whether Clinton is using anabolic steroids.

Unpaid Informants: Carrie Barber, Carolyn Kimball, Tom Gilbert, PR Newswire, Hartford Courant, Chicago Sun-Times. E-mail Off-Kilter at roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, we dress as Batman and hang around magazine stands.