Please! Enough with the dressed-up dogs, the bare tummies, the male ponytails. They’re all . . .Sooooooo ‘90s
Here we are, fabulously poised at the end of 1999’s catwalk and on the threshold of trendy 2000--a time to reflect and review all those fashion faux pas, style denials and mistakes. Yes, so mini of them.
So let us, fashionistas one and all, resolve to look fashion forward as we vogue into the coming century.
That means stomping out dangerously high platform shoes, giving the brushoff to metallic blue nail polish and thumbing our noses at pierced ones.
That’s all soooo ‘90s.
So are the following fashion no-nos, courtesy of yours truly, the Times Fashion staff: Nancy Yoshihara, Michael Quintanilla, Valli Herman-Cohen, Barbara Thomas, Booth Moore, Reuben Munoz and Candace Wedlan.
BEAUTY DUTY
* Eyebrow, nose and tongue rings. Your pierced persona is passe, puppy.
* Fake fingernails. Unless you’re a disaffected 15-year-old, don’t press it.
* Fashion and beauty advice in every kind of magazine. We don’t need to hear from the editors of Parents and Mountain Bike.
HAIRY SCARY
* Ponytails on men. It shouldn’t even be legal for Segal (as in Steven).
* Bleached hair on guys. Dudes, you made your point--your beauty needs are important, too. Spike the peroxide.
* Mullet--a hairstyle short on top and long on the back and sides--think singer Billy Ray Cyrus and baseball player Randy Johnson. Check out the anti-mullet Web sites for a hair-raising experience.
* Punk hair. Sid and Nancy have been dead for 20 years.
ACCESSORIES TO THE CRIME
* Fashion fidos. Doggone it, don’t dress to the canines. Your boots and belts are accessories, not your pooch.
* Goofy hair accessories such as Velcro butterflies and bra strap headbands.
* Bead bracelets that have become every girl’s best friend. Stick with diamonds.
MODEL BEHAVIOR
* Angry models. What’s so upsetting, sweetie? The moolah? The world travel? The lavish parties? The fame? The movie actor/athlete/playboy/magician boyfriend? No French fries? Maybe that.
* Celebrity cover models. Hair dye and airbrushing make them unrecognizable. Was that Cameron Diaz on Cosmopolitan or John Malkovich?
* Carrie Donovan touting Old Navy fleece vests. As if the fashion maven would really wear one.
CELEBRITY CITINGS
* Celeb scents. We don’t want to smell like Cher, Elizabeth Taylor, Ivana Trump or Austin Powers. Yeah, baby!
* Look-alike actresses in beaded sheaths worn to awards shows. Bring back Cher’s ostrich feathers.
* Young TV stars with lots of sex appeal and lots of names--Jennifer Love Hewitt and Sarah Michelle Gellar--on the covers of men’s magazines. Boys, go after someone your own age.
DESIGNER DUDS
* Designer-inflated price tags on basics. With $250 cotton T-shirts or $300 sneakers, our checkbooks say aim for Target.
* Designer-planned obsolescence: skirt lengths, pant widths, color choices.
FLESH IT OUT
* Naughty Abercrombie & Fitch catalogs. Mummy and Daddy are not amused.
* Simulated sex in advertisements. Sex sells even microwave meals. The only desire we want is desirable fashion.
* Exposed bra straps, unless you’re starring as Blanche DuBois in “A Streetcar Named Desire” and that’s your only vehicle to portray repressed passion.
* Exposed midriffs. We know you’ve got it. Don’t flaunt it.
* Sheer overgarments sans ample undies.
* Bare legs in winter and cashmere sweaters in spring. Stop trying to fool Mother Nature.
FASHION FELONIES
* White socks worn with slides. Enough said.
* Stirrup pants. Double ditto.
* Sweatsuits on first-class passengers. If you can afford the ticket, you can afford a decent outfit.
* Clothes that make noise, like nylon jogging trousers. (But we love jangly beaded fringe! It’s that Cher thing again.)
* Vintage fashion? Who are they kidding? Mama always called it thrift-store hand-me-downs. And Mama’s always right.
* Logos. What did these people ever do for you?
MATERIAL WORLD
* Fashion company mergers. Sure, this is a global marketplace, but who wants to look like a globe?
E-mail the fashion staff with your “hots” and “nots” at socalliving@latimes.com
Stop!
1. Pierced tongues
2. Faux fingernails
3. Exposed bra straps
4. Ponytails on males
5. Power-bead bracelets
6. Naughty catalogs
7. Mad, mad models
8. Celebrity scents
9. Logos a go-go
10. Mullet-head hairstyle
Go!
1. Aviator sunglasses
2. Ruffles
3. Designer denim
4. Rock-star chic
5. Sherbet pastels
6. White lipstick
7. Leather eyelet
8. Smoky eyes
9. Halters and corsets
10. Frilly and pretty
11. Cocktail rings
12. Trench coats
13. Hot pants
14. Python accessories
15. Beaded evening pants
