LAUGH LINES
Snooze Button: “According to the Bureau of Statistics, 100,000 traffic accidents a year are caused because people fall asleep at the wheel. And you know what the last words these people hear before they nod off? ‘And now, ladies and gentlemen, a holiday medley from Kenny G.’ ” (David Letterman)
High Finance: “Hollywood’s earnings for 1999 exceeded $7 billion. They could go much higher, but so far they’ve only counted popcorn and Milk Duds receipts.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)
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Chris Pina’s
Essential Daily List
Santa Claus’
New Year’s Resolutions
* Free Kathie Lee’s elves
* Reinvent self to hipper image: Pokeclaus
* Reach out to babes on gift list who’ve been naughty
* Merge with UPS and Amazon.com
* Stuff Blitzen
* Next holiday season, adult lap dances
* Replace elves who weren’t Y2K compliant
* Get in touch with my inner Claus
* Clear up Kris Kringle alias with Customs
* Lose the beard
* Retire
Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.
