LAUGH LINES

Trying Times: The Senate voted to call witnesses in the impeachment trial of President Clinton, “virtually ensuring the trial will outlast Social Security.” (Jon Stewart)

Trying Times II: “The vote sends a strong, clear message to the American people: ‘The Senate hates you.’ ” (Stewart)

Order in the Court: Republicans plan to call Monica Lewinsky, Vernon Jordan and Sidney Blumenthal as witnesses in the presidential impeachment trial. “Democrats plan to counter with Larry Flynt, Hugh Hefner and Bob Guccione.” (Russ Myers)

Fair Trade: Irish citizen Sinead O’Connor has called for the end of the impeachment trial. “OK, just as soon as PBS puts a stop to its endless showings of ‘Riverdance.’ ” (Gary Easley)

Memories: According to a study from Johns Hopkins University, you can suffer temporary amnesia from having sex. “Or, if you’re Bill Clinton, permanent amnesia. He not only doesn’t remember having sex, he can’t even define it.” (Jay Leno)

Mr. Coffee Mates: Joe DiMaggio was watching “Dateline NBC” on Sunday when the network announced he was dead. “President Clinton phoned to tell him not to worry. They say the same thing about him each morning on the ‘Today’ show.” (Argus Hamilton)

Doctor, Doctor: The man who got the first U.S. hand transplant was able to move a finger. “He moved the one finger shortly after getting the hospital bill.” (Daily Scoop)

Sign of the Times: The “Old Woman of the Freeway” mural overlooking the Hollywood Freeway is being restored. “Just to give you an idea of how long it’s been, when it was first painted it was called ‘Young Woman Waiting at the On-Ramp Meter Light.’ ” (Steve Voldseth)

Satisfaction at Last: The Rolling Stones have begun their “No Security” tour, which has an average ticket price of $150. “The Stones have to charge that much. Blood transfusions aren’t cheap.” (Daily Scoop)

The Artist Formerly Known as Charlie: Charlie Sheen says he prefers to be known as Charles. “And on Hollywood Boulevard, he’s no longer a John, he’s a Jonathan.” (Leno)

*

The Essential David Letterman

The most popular shows at the Vatican:

10. “Friends . . . Of The Lord.”

9. “World’s Scariest Popemobile Chases.”

8. “Kids Say The Darndest Things and as a Result Go To Hell.”

7. “Platonic Love Boat.”

6. “Live! With Jesus & Kathie Lee.”

5. “Sabrina, The Teenage Witch Who Was Burned At The Stake.”

4. “Beverly Hills IXOCCX.”

2. “Virgin Mary Tyler Moore.”

1. “M*A*S*S”

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