‘Irresistible’ Can’t Resist Other Films for Inspiration

When enchanted restaurant chef Amanda Shelton (Sarah Michelle Gellar, TV’s “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”) cries into her saucepan, the result is a dish that sends her diners into paroxysms of joyous tears. They can’t help it: They’re so happy, they’re blubbering into the fig compote.

It’s a scene that verges on charming. Probably the movie’s most charming. So the fact that it’s a shameless rip-off of “Like Water for Chocolate” should give you some idea of the heights of creativity being scaled in “Simply Irresistible,” one of those movies that dares you to make fun of its title while not even suggesting the rock song it’s named after.

Perfunctory direction, a dull-eyed color scheme, contrived narrative, flaccid acting--the movie virtually screams “contractual obligation.”

That it was directed by Mark Tarlov--described as a one-time lawyer and “speech writer for Warren Berger” (instead of Burger)--and written by former Warner Bros. lawyer Judith Roberts shouldn’t necessarily mean an inedible concoction. But “Simply Irresistible” features in Sean Patrick Flanery’s Tom Bartlett a character only a lawyer could love: A smarmy, self-absorbed operator in a $200 tousled haircut and a white silk tie, who can compartmentalize like Bill Clinton and is in charge of creating Jonathan’s at Henri Bendel, a deluxe restaurant named for the store founder’s demanding grandson (Dylan Baker).

Not only do we get product placement worthy of “You’ve Got Mail,” we get a semblance of its plot line, too. Amanda shares ownership of a fading but homey Manhattan boite that was owned by her late mother, but Amanda can’t cook any better than her aunt Stella (Betty Buckley). However . . . aided by a magic crab procured at the 14th Street Farmer’s Market (where they treat Miss Buffy as if she were Werewolfgang Puck) and a magical cabdriver (Christopher Durang, who promptly disappears from the movie till the final shot), she gets uptown restaurant-conceptualizer Tom in her place and the romance is off and running.

Not that you care. Gellar is a remarkably unremarkable screen presence. Flanery is a David Cassidy look-alike. His soon-to-be ex-girlfriend is played by Julia Roberts manquee Amanda Peet. The plot is borrowed from eight movies--some of them teen sports movies--and the incidental music sounds like it was borrowed from a Lifetime drama about housewives-turned-prostitutes. Whatever’s going on, you not only wish you were somewhere else, you think you’re already there.

The supporting trio of Baker, Buckley and Patricia Clarkson brings a great deal of class to the production, but Tarlov tries to wring dividends out of emotional situations without having made any investment. The two leads are unappealing, the story is dragged on for days and the rather random magical element renders any human factor irrelevant. There’s a completely inane plot point about Tom being obsessed by paper airplanes, which is nothing more than a setup for the final scene of Tom sailing Amanda a long-distance love note. If she were smart, she’d mark it “addressee unknown.”

* MPAA rating: PG-13 for brief sexual references. Times guidelines: Vulgarity and sexual innuendo may cause parents to keep young viewers away.

‘Simply Irresistible’

Sarah Michelle Gellar: Amanda Shelton

Sean Patrick Flanery: Tom

Patricia Clarkson: Lois McNally

Larry Gilliard Jr.: Nolan

Dylan Baker: Jonathan

Betty Buckley: Aunt Stella

Christopher Durang: cab driver

A 20th Century Fox release of a New Regency Pictures and Polar Entertainment Corporation production. Directed by Mark Tarlov. Screenplay by Judith Roberts. Produced by Jon Amiel, Joe Caracciolo Jr., John Fiedler. Executive producers, Arnon Milchan, Elisabeth Robinson. Original music, Gil Goldstein. Costume design, Katharine Jane Bryant. Running time: 1 hour, 33 minutes.

In general release throughout Southern California.