A Few Tips--but No Guarantees--for Planning the Perfect Romantic Getaway

As this Valentine’s Day approached, my mailbox overflowed--but not with candy and cards. Instead, the mail carrier brought me a pile of notices for Valentine’s Day specials at hotels, such as the one-night “Hearts and Flowers” package at the Four Seasons Resort in Palm Beach, Fla., priced at $25,000 and offering (among other things) a diamond ring, and a vitriolic honey of a deal called “Dis Your Ex” at the Barbizon Hotel in New York, featuring free use of a paper shredder to destroy old love letters.

However, most offered a familiar litany of romance-inspiring elements--luxurious accommodations, strawberries and chocolate truffles, flowers, champagne, massages, hot tubs, candlelight suppers--which bored me after a while. But then, I’m not in love, and even in the throes of that powerful emotion have never gone on a perfectly satisfying romantic getaway, champagne notwithstanding. This made me wonder what it takes to make a romantic interlude successful and whether it’s worth the trouble.

Psychologists such as Sherman Oaks-based Helen Grusd would say it is, particularly for people in long-term relationships who occasionally need to take time out from the pressures of work and family to fall in love all over again. “Getting away is a huge deposit in the emotional bank account,” Grusd says. Debbie Then, a California-based social psychologist, sees romantic getaways as a way to recapture the mystery and excitement of dating, and suggests that partners who make them a habit are less likely to want to cheat.

But for new couples who haven’t spent much time together, the perfect-sounding weekend in Cabo or Napa may end up feeling more like a compatibility test than a treat. Both partners’ antennae are out, hunting for clues like bed-hogging and snoring. “It’s going to be awkward, no matter what,” says Helena Hacker Rosenberg, author of “How to Get Married After 35: A Game Plan for Love” (HarperCollins, $12.95). “You shouldn’t do a romantic getaway until you’re ready to be serious about each other. A woman can judge a man’s character better when he has his clothes on.”

There are plenty of guidebooks to help you choose the right spot for a romantic interlude, such as the “Best Places to Kiss” (Beginning Press) and “Romantic Days and Nights” (Globe Pequot) series. A few other travel guides, like Bradley S. O’Leary’s “Bed & Champagne: World’s Top Romantic Hideaways” (Boru Books, $14.95), explain precisely what to look for when seeking amorous getaways: escapes from the mundane, places where the service is superb and retreats that cater to all five senses.

Why should lovers need props like strawberries? Diane Ackerman’s “A Natural History of the Senses” (Vintage, $13) explains: “The brain is silent, the brain is dark, the brain tastes nothing, the brain hears nothing. All it receives are electrical impulses--not the sumptuous chocolate melting sweetly, not the oboe solo like the flight of a bird, not the tingling caress, not the pastels of peach and lavender at sunset over a coral reef--just impulses.” So if you want your brain to tell you you’re in love, you’d be wise to send it messages by eating chocolate and listening to Bach.

This goes for guys especially, who generally aren’t as interested in romantic getaways with all the froufrou as women tend to be. But according to Santa Fe-based psychologist Marilyn Mason, “if a man is ‘working-smart’ in a relationship, he’ll make it happen and pay attention to the details.” Of course, some men are romantics at heart, as Judith Babcock Wylie, editor of “Love & Romance: True Stories of Passion on the Road” (Travelers’ Tales Guides, $17.95), points out. Her husband--who ought to be cloned, if you ask me--gives her a new nightie every time she takes a trip, whether he’s going along or not.

The romantic mood is fragile, which is why service at a hotel can be vital. A friend recalls a long weekend she planned at a Caribbean resort, where her expectations were dashed because the ocean-view room she and her husband had been promised didn’t overlook the water. So I can understand why another friend of mine makes an annual pilgrimage with her husband to one particular Connecticut inn on her birthday. There, the two of them joyfully get the same perfect treatment and do the same things every year.

Lord knows, I can’t make any promises. But if you want to make a romantic getaway work, here are a few tips from experts:

* Try to stay flexible because unplanned getaways are often the most successful.

* Surprising your lover with a getaway almost always works wonders--though this must be planned. While doing so, take into consideration who the interlude is for, which may mean making compromises. Bestselling romance writer Heather Graham fantasizes about getting away to a pristine beach, but suspects that her husband’s idea of the perfect romantic sojourn is a weekend in Vegas.

* When making plans together, try to choose a destination with activities that will appeal to each partner. You don’t have to spend every minute together.

* Make sure you have similar expectations about emotional intimacy (which women tend to value) and sex (which men often view as the ultimate gauge of a getaway’s success).

* Break your routine by choosing a place completely unlike home.

* Sleep in the first morning because you’re bound to be exhausted by the time you get away.

* Take a new nightie, and never walk around naked because it spoils the mystery, according to an informal study of men conducted by Helena Hacker Rosenberg.