LAUGH LINES
If the Articles Don’t Fit . . .: The Senate acquitted the president. “Republicans couldn’t even muster a simple majority vote on either count. But just out of habit, Robert Dornan demanded a recount.” (Joshua Sostrin)
More Crime and Punishment: “Although the president won’t be censured by the Senate, he can expect a stern talking to from Dr. Ruth.” (LaMonte Laments)
At the Newsstand: Sports Illustrated unveiled its annual swimsuit issue. “All in all, it was one of Bill Clinton’s better weeks.” (Daily Scoop)
What a Tripp: Linda Tripp says she secretly taped Monica Lewinsky because she is a patriot. “She added, ‘I regret I have but one friend to betray for my country.’ ” (Daily Scoop)
That’s Higher Education: Unabomber Ted Kaczynski wants a new trial. He’s apparently been exchanging letters with a legal professor. “Would you trust a professor stupid enough to open letters from the Unabomber?” (Daily Scoop)
Who Knew?: AT&T; donated $3.5 million so the Library of Congress can digitize materials from the Alexander Graham Bell and Samuel Morse collections. “In one rare piece of correspondence, Bell asks Morse if he’d like to switch to AT&T; and get 50 free weekend minutes.” (Mark Wheeler)
The Rainbow Connection: The Rev. Jerry Falwell claims the purple Teletubby is gay. “Right, and the red one’s a Communist. The yellow one’s jaundiced and the green one’s simply envious of the other three.” (Alan Jay Weiss)
Good Question: An Indiana man was charged with performing castrations in his apartment without a license. “I didn’t know they even had licenses to perform castrations in apartments. What do you do? Take a test? Pay a fee?” (Steve Voldseth)
At a Toy Store Near You: Mattel’s latest Barbie has tattoos and a nose ring. “Malibu Crack House and Amphetamine Dream Lab sold separately.” (Voldseth)
Fore!: Tiger Woods and Kevin Costner teamed up in a charity golf tournament. “Apparently everything was going fine until Kevin Costner got stuck on a water hazard and spent $200 million.” (O’Brien)
Soap Suds: Fox has renewed “Beverly Hills, 90210” for a 10th season. “The show has been on so long that 90210 stands for the combined ages of the cast members.” (Jennifer Vally)
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The Essential David Letterman
Jerry Falwell’s top peeves about TV:
10. Angels shouldn’t go around “touching” anyone.
8. “Zoe, Duncan, Jack and Jane” are lesbian, gay, gay and lesbian.
6. If you don’t pay the bill on time, the Playboy channel gets all fuzzy.
5. Fox won’t even consider “World’s Wildest Baptism Accidents.”
4. History Channel only presents negative aspects of Spanish Inquisition.
2. Why don’t Scully and Mulder “do it” and get it over with?
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