His Stress Is on Simplicity
For those who are tired of the hassle, the pushing, the shoving, the rudeness, the noise, the filth, the high rent and the danger that comes with living in a major metropolitan area, Allen Elkin is here to say it doesn’t have to be that way. A clinical psychologist and director of the Stress Management and Counseling Center in New York City, he has written a guide to coping and thriving called “Urban Ease: Stress-Free Living in the Big City” (Plume, 1999). In it, he shows city dwellers how to simplify their lives and reduce stress.
Citing restrictions in space, clutter, distractions, irritating neighbors and a lack of personal time, the book deconstructs patterns of discontent and provides stress-relief strategies. We asked him to share some of his secrets.
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Q: It’s 6:50 p.m., and you’re traveling north on the 405--late for your daughter’s birthday party. How do you keep from blowing a fuse?
A: We all need to stop “catastrophizing.” There’s a section in the book where I ask readers to rate on a scale of 1 to 10 their emotional reactions to a stressor and match it against the importance of that stressor. A person’s reaction to being in traffic on the freeway might rate a 7, but its importance is usually a 1 or a 2. When you have a 7 response to a 2 situation, you are out of balance. It is you, not the city, that is causing the stress. You may not be able to change the traffic on the freeway, but you can change how you look at it.
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Q: But how can anyone keep cool when the maitre d’ at Spago can’t find your reservation?
A: Be an urban cynic. You don’t have to expect aggravation, trouble and inconsideration, but don’t be surprised when it turns up. Also, learn not to personalize. Don’t assume that it is your personality or behavior that is triggering the problem.
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Q: You talk about the need for a personal “urban oasis.” What if you don’t have a four-bedroom house on the beach in Malibu?
A: It doesn’t have to be an expensive place. You need an oasis that provides you with a sense of calm, a retreat. People differ on what an oasis is, but there’s usually a visual sense to it. De-stress with color. Soft blues and pinks have soothing psychological effects. Try becoming an urban gardener. Plants make a house more welcoming. And minimize noise. Buy a sound generator or play peaceful music.
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Q: Is it even possible to have a calm lifestyle when you have to pick up a child from day care, buy sun-dried tomatoes at Gibson & Cooke, drop the dog off to be groomed and make it to your personal trainer--all between the hours of 5 and 6 p.m.?
A: Try off-peaking. If you want a video and groceries when everyone else does, you’re going to have a lot of company. Try going to the gym in the afternoon if you can. You may not want to shop at 3 a.m., but it sure would be a good time. Buy movie tickets over the phone. Fax shopping lists to save time.
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Q: Between the cost of valet parking, new Manolos, the Motorola bill and a membership to Crunch Gym, your pocketbook is empty. How can a person survive in a city that’s so expensive?
A: It comes down to values. Are you buying into a lifestyle you want, or did it sneak up on you? Ask yourself, “How much do I really need this?” I’m a big fan of urban minimalism.
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Q: What if you’re in the car at a traffic light that turns green while you’re putting on your lip gloss. You do not immediately accelerate, so the guy in back of you blows his horn. Should you jump out of the car and shoot him?
A: No. Master the elements of urban judo. Learn to sidestep confrontation. Minimize, make up excuses, cross the street, look away, say “Excuse me” or “I’m sorry.” In the city, you want to lose the battle and win the war.