LAUGH LINES

Promises, Promises: For Valentine’s Day, President Clinton promised his wife, Hillary, to remain faithful. “Hillary said, ‘Forget that. I want a promise you’ll raise money for my Senate campaign.’ ” (Daily Scoop)

A New Tune: In Mexico, the president grabbed a saxophone and played “My Funny Valentine” for Hillary. “Hillary grabbed a microphone and sang ‘Your Cheatin’ Heart.’ ” (Daily Scoop)

Trippingly: Larry King interviewed Linda Tripp. “Larry says to Linda, ‘What’s the most common misconception people have about you, Linda Tripp.’ And she says, ‘Well, most people think I’m Ernest Borgnine.’ ” (David Letterman)

Trippingly II: Linda Tripp said, “I am just like you, I am one of you.” “And I’m looking at her and I’m thinking well, she’s actually more like three of us.” (Letterman)

In Passing: Watergate figure John Ehrlichman has died at age 73. “Let us observe 18 minutes of silence.” (Daily Scoop)

In Passing II: “In 1975 Ehrlichman was convicted of obstruction of justice, conspiracy and perjury back when those were crimes.” (Jon Stewart)

Better Than Coupons: To promote its Vons Club Card, the supermarket is urging customers “to keep on swiping” for the chance to win a year’s supply of groceries. “If we keep swiping enough, we won’t need the prize. We’ll already have a year’s supply of groceries.” (Lew B. Stearns)

On the Big Screen: The No. 1 movie this week is the Kevin Costner film “Message in a Bottle.” “Please don’t confuse this with the Russian film about Boris Yeltsin, ‘Send a Messenger for Another Bottle.’ ” (Jay Leno)

On the Big Screen II: In the film, Kevin Costner writes a love letter, puts it in a bottle and throws it in the ocean. “Is that really romantic? That’s just littering. Nice to know poor Flipper’s out there choking on your love note.” (Leno)

Another Year Older: It was Gary Coleman’s birthday last week. “He hit the big 3-1. And then, unfortunately, it sued him for assault.” (Rudolph J. Cecera)

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The Essential

David Letterman

Signs the president is trying to kill you:

10. He goes on TV to assure the nation that he’s not trying to kill you.

9. You get a card from Saddam reading, “Glad I’m not you.”

8. You turn on CNN and see your house in green night-vision.

7. You wake up next to the head of Donna Shalala.

6. You overhear him arguing with lawyers over the legal definition of the word “strangle.”

5. Keeps promising to “introduce you to Vince Foster.”

4. He asks U.N. to pass resolution authorizing use of force against you.

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