Look, Ma, No Hands (or Clothes Either)

The newsletter for the Elysium Institute, a clothing-optional resort in Topanga, contains this item: “Check out ‘Nude Juggling’ with Robert on Sunday, March 7.”

Let’s hope Robert doesn’t use knives in his act.

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ANOTHER FOOTBALL ARENA? After studying the illustration for a monster toy game (see photo), Thomas Horowitz of L.A. wonders if a secret group representing the Hollywood Bowl is trying to attract a pro football team into that arena. Or could that be the L.A. Coliseum? The game is titled, “Godzilla vs. Mecha-Godzilla in Los Angeles,” by the way. Godzilla is a six-skyscraper favorite.

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ANGELENOS ON THE ROAD: Jackson Sleet of L.A. found a sobering site for motorists in Sedona, Ariz. (see photo).

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THE VISITORS HAD NO CLUE: Some suspects in a stolen car linked to a Phoenix murder probably could have picked a better place to hang out. When Los Angeles police picked up the auto’s LoJack signal, it was about a block from Parker Center. The three men were quickly arrested, said Officer Jason Lee. And just to give the suspects a touch of Hollywood, the arrest was taped by an LAPD video unit that happened to be nearby.

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L.A. VERSE: Donawayne Tanner, age 84, offers this poetic view of the City of Angels:

If they’re flotsam and jetsam,

Los Angeles gets ‘em.

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CELEBRITY FANS: Jack Nicholson is almost as well known for his antics at Lakers games as for his movie performances. But another actor received some less flattering attention at the nationally televised UCLA-Syracuse basketball game in Westwood.

When Dick Vitale, ABC’s overbearing color man, shouted that Tom Arnold was on his feet cheering after one UCLA basket, game announcer Brent Musburger said facetiously, “Who’s Tom Arnold?”

Musburger, who seemed annoyed with Vitale’s gushing, showed his impartiality by asking whatever happened to Arnold’s ex, Roseanne.

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ONTARIO SOUTH: The city of Ontario, tired of being confused with the province in Canada, has unveiled a new slogan:

“Your Gateway to Southern California. Ontario--The Center of It All!”

As for its claim of being the center, David Allen, the mischievous columnist of the Inland Valley Daily Bulletin, asks, “Uh, since when? . . . I have to wonder how visitors will feel when they arrive here (Ontario) in ‘the center of it all’--and realize they still have to drive an hour to get anywhere.”

Allen solicited his readers for better slogans (an old Only in L.A. trick) and came up with, “Ontario! That’s California, You Knucklehead!” as well as “Ontario! L.A.’s Overflow.”

Hey, L.A. gets the flotsam and jetsam.

miscelLAny:

Writer John Morgan Wilson noticed that Morton’s, the power-dining spot in West Hollywood, was on the county Health Department’s latest list of temporary restaurant closures. Reason: “No potable water supply or no hot water.” But what about Evian?

Steve Harvey can be reached by phone at (213) 237-7083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by e-mail at steve.harvey@latimes.com and by mail at L.A. Times, Times Mirror Square, L.A. 90053.