LAUGH LINES

There Are Always Options: Republican Sen. Orrin Hatch admits that the Senate doesn’t have the requisite two-thirds needed to vote to remove President Clinton from office. “So instead they’re going to get really drunk and T.P. the White House.” (Conan O’Brien)

That’s Devotion: Pop star Jewel says she’s a big fan of Marilyn Manson and she’d love to do a duet with him. “Meanwhile, Marilyn Manson says he’d love to shave Jewel’s skull and tattoo a pentagram on her forehead.” (O’Brien)

Isn’t That Nice: Because of the cold winter temperatures across the country, the Red Cross is urging people to check up on their elderly neighbors. “Sunday night on CBS, ‘Touched by an Angel’ checked in on ’60 Minutes.’ ” (Steve Voldseth)

And the Winner Is: Wisconsin beat UCLA in the Rose Bowl last week. “The game may have determined who has the better team, but there’ll still be debate over who has the better cheese commercials.” (Gary Easley)

Hit the Brakes: Over the holidays, four buses crashed in New Jersey on the way to Atlantic City casinos. “Gee, if you make it to the casino, you should already consider yourself lucky.” (the Daily Scoop)

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.