For Elvis’ Birthday, Love Him With Legal Tender

Like most Americans today, I have been trying to decide how to celebrate Elvis Presley’s birthday.

The King is turning 64. Well, he isn’t exactly turning. I admit that he’s probably dead, although rumors do persist about Elvis simply being down on his luck and living in a trailer park in Oxnard.

My first thought was that I’d celebrate this day exactly as Elvis himself would if he could--by eating six cheeseburgers and shooting a handgun at a picture of Robert Goulet.

But that seemed disrespectful.

After all, Elvis gave us a lot of entertainment. He gave us great music. He gave us great movies.

(Well, he gave us great music.)

I couldn’t decide what to do in his honor. I thought perhaps I’d go visit Elvis’ star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and place a rose on it. Or a teddy bear. Or a bottle of black hair dye and Rogaine, he being 64.

And then, guess what?

I found out I could buy his star.

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Not only that, but for only $100,000 I can have the entire HOLLYWOOD sign that hovers above Los Angeles.

If only I hadn’t squandered so much money on gifts over Christmas!

Debbie Reynolds, who was singing in the rain back when Elvis was still singing in the shower, was the one Thursday who personally delivered the good news.

For 100 grand, the actress announced, the HOLLYWOOD sign is going to be offered Jan. 22-23 on a TV home shopping network program.

You know what I mean, one of those shows where you can call in and purchase an 1899 antique combination pinky ring, earwax swab and navel lint remover that previously belonged to Joan Rivers.

Reynolds served as spokeswoman for this large-scale yard sale, of a monument 450 feet wide. It was erected in 1923--originally as HOLLYWOODLAND--for a housing subdivision. After 26 years that way, four letters ended up on the cutting-room floor.

(Few people know that the same thing later happened to Anaheimland, Bakersfieldland and San Bernardinoland.)

If you do cough up $100,000, you don’t actually get to own the famous HOLLYWOOD sign. You don’t get to rent a U-Haul, drag it home and reassemble it in your yard.

(Which is lucky for me, since I’m the kind of klutz who would put the whole thing backward and end up with DOOWYLLOH on my lawn.)

What happens is, you get to be the sign’s official sponsor.

In other words, for your $100,000, you get the privilege of telling everybody that you paid $100,000. You get to tell people at cocktail parties, “Hey, you know that big HOLLYWOOD sign? I’m its sponsor.”

How others will envy you.

“Look!” they’ll say on the street. “See that guy? He sponsors the HOLLYWOOD sign!”

You’ll impress men and women alike.

Got a date? Just take him or her to your HOLLYWOOD sign after dinner, then watch what happens. Believe me, there is nothing that impresses a date more than a really large word on a hill.

(On the other hand, I did try this same thing once in Ohio with a CLEVELAND sign, and I got nowhere.)

Your $100,000 will be used for the upkeep of the sign, which is copyrighted by the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce and is apparently crumbling into a three-syllable eyesore. I sympathize. I know how hard it can be to keep a big alphabet safe in this weather. The Chamber of Commerce could ask Bob Vila to fix it, but I hear he sent out a letter saying he doesn’t do letters.

QVC will televise the “sale” of the landmark on “Extreme Shopping: Hollywood,” beginning Jan. 22 at 10 p.m., if you want to bid. I gather it won’t be an auction, so the first bidder wins. For $101,000, maybe you could also sponsor Debbie Reynolds.

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Now, back to Elvis.

As I understand Thursday’s announcement, there are 50 or more stars along the Hollywood Walk of Fame that are also in need of fixer-upping. And these stars, too, are looking for “sponsors.”

Including the King’s.

For the low, low price of $250, I could help his star twinkle again. I don’t know who else’s star is available. Elvis’ is. Debbie’s is. I bet Bob Goulet’s is. But I’m not sure if you can choose your own. I’ll put up 500 bucks if I can get my hands on Elvis as well as on Ann-Margret.

That HOLLYWOOD sign is too expensive, though. Cost you more than $11,000 a letter. Maybe I’ll spend $22,000 and just sponsor the HO.

Mike Downey’s column appears Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Write to him at Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles 90053. E-mail: mike.downey@latimes.com