LAUGH LINES

Those Were the Days: An Arkansas prostitute says Bill Clinton is the father of her son. “Only Clinton could distract people from a sex scandal with another sex scandal. Remember those innocent days of Monica Lewinsky?” (Jay Leno)

The Up Side: According to a new study by Canadian researchers, people who are broke and unemployed have sex more often than everyone else. “Finally, some good news for Bill Clinton!” (Steve Voldseth)

Alas, Poor Criminal: Centuries-old manuscripts by Shakespeare were reported stolen recently. “According to Scotland Yard, the thief won’t get far without the Cliffs Notes.” (Joe Kevany)

Size Matters: In a safe-sex demonstration in Bogota, Colombia, dancers performed in a condom that was half a mile long and 12 feet wide. “You think that’s amazing? You should see the size of the wallet it came from.” (Alex Kaseberg)

Doctor, Doctor: Woody Allen said in an interview that after so many years of seeing a psychiatrist, he’s stopped. “Well, you know something, if you’ve been getting therapy most of your life and you end up marrying your wife’s daughter, it’s obvious it’s not working.” (Leno)

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.