Trials of the Century Look Alike

Trial of the Century Bureau: Our resident psychic, who recently predicted that the first three months of 1999 would be “some combination of March, January and possibly February,” has peered into the future and forecast the following timeline for the impeachment trial of President Clinton:

* Jan. 14: As the trial of William Jefferson Clinton officially begins, Republicans win the coin toss and elect to present their case first. The opening-day arguments start on a strong note but eventually stall, and prosecutors are forced to settle for a field goal.

* Jan. 15: In a surprise move, President Clinton orders massive air strikes against Canada. He denies the invasion is timed to distract attention from impeachment, saying that intelligence reports indicated Canadian hockey teams posed a serious threat to America’s Stanley Cup chances.

* Jan. 19: A Republican attempt to call Monica Lewinsky, Vernon Jordan and Betty Currie as witnesses fails to win approval from a majority of senators. However, as a compromise, the Senate agrees to hear testimony from Kato Kaelin, Buddy the dog and singer Neil Diamond.

* Jan. 20: Kaelin testifies that he was a house guest in the Lincoln Bedroom at the time of Clinton’s alleged affair and that Clinton couldn’t possibly have committed adultery because he was “chipping golf balls on the White House lawn.”

* Jan. 21: Republicans attack Kaelin with fierce cross-examination and a small, sharp-clawed mammal. Democrats argue that prosecutors are “badgering the witness,” but Republicans insist the animal is “a hedgehog, not a badger.”

* Jan. 22: Clinton’s lawyers present evidence that Mark Fuhrman planted the president’s DNA on Monica Lewinsky’s blue dress.

* Jan. 23: After damaging testimony by Buddy the dog, a distraught Clinton climbs aboard a white Ford Bronco and leads police on a slow-speed freeway chase.

* Jan. 25: As Clinton surrenders to authorities, Diamond is sworn in and asked to state his name for the record. He replies: “I am, I said. To no one there. And no one heard at all, not even the chair.”

* Jan. 26: In a rare display of bipartisanship, the Senate unanimously votes to convict Diamond of high crimes and misdemeanors.

Alarming Fashion Trends: Kristin Barbour of Foothill High School attended her winter formal dance in a dress made of duct tape. Her date wore a matching duct tape bow tie, cummerbund and shoes.

Still No Silly Putty Stamp: The U.S. Postal Service will unveil a 33-cent Slinky stamp on Feb. 18. The toy is being honored as part of the agency’s “Celebrate the Century” commemorative stamp program.

Weird Polls Bureau: A survey by Child magazine reveals that 48% of new parents prefer sleeping to sex.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Man’s Hair Is Possessed! Satanic Forces Appear to Be Snarling the Tresses of Increasing Numbers of Men and Women, Says Expert!” (Weekly World News)

The only cure: a hair exorcism.

Roy Rivenburg’s e-mail address is roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Unpaid Informants: Susan Losi Huber, Orange County Register, Wireless Flash News Service. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.