Puppy Love Department: We don't know if this is church-sanctioned--yet--but we are interested in marrying a German shepherd named Gunther IV. Actually, we haven't even met the dog, but we're pretty sure our feelings are genuine and have nothing to do with the fact that Gunther recently inherited $200 million.
According to the Times of London, the loot came from Gunther's late father, Gunther III, who performed with a popular German disco dance troupe. Gunther III's bark was so charming that a German countess left the dog her entire estate in 1992.
Gunther IV has invested the money in real estate, music and scientific research (probably anti-cat technology). Last week, he even offered to buy Sylvester Stallone's $27-million Miami mansion for use as the world's largest dog house. Gunther also has a bodyguard and a platoon of lawyers who handle his affairs.
But we're not sure they have the dog's best interests at heart. Lawyer: "Now, Gunther, I'm going to charge you $75,000 an hour for this consultation. If that sounds like too much, just say so."
Therefore, we have purchased a 14-carat Milk-Bone engagement ring and are hoping that 95 United Methodist ministers might be willing to risk their jobs to bless our union. Failing that, we would settle for becoming Gunther IV's adopted son, Gunther-Kilter.
Red Planet Realtor Bureau: A 1-inch cube of Martian rock that fell to the Earth in 1962 will be auctioned off next month in San Francisco. Minimum bid: $65,000.
Other items up for grabs at the Butterfield & Butterfield auction house include a 6-gram chunk of moon rock for $70,000, a bona-fide shrunken head from the Jivaro tribe of Ecuador for $12,000 (note to Gunther IV: This would be an investment, not a chew toy), and a 100-million-year-old unborn dinosaur skeleton for $18,000.
Quote of the Day: From columnist Zay N. Smith, referring to San Francisco Mayor Willie Brown's demand that the people who threw cherry, pumpkin and tofu cream pies in his face be prosecuted for misdemeanor assault: "Doesn't the use of tofu in the commission of a crime make it a felony?"
Weird Anniversaries Bureau: In honor of Ben Franklin's 293rd birthday last Sunday, the Franklin Institute in Philadelphia hosted an "Electric Slide Dance Party."
Bumper Sticker Patrol: "Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them."
Off-Kilter Live?: We're thinking about staging a benefit evening of comedy skits, music and stand-up humor. If someone out there has a theater to donate, please contact us by e-mail, fax ( 237-4712) or letter (Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053).
Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: "Parents of Teen Girls Singing Praises of New Combination-Lock Brassiere!" (Weekly World News)
According to WWN, the chastity bra was laboratory-tested by "500 frisky boys," who were unable to pick the lock.
Roy Rivenburg's e-mail address is firstname.lastname@example.org. Unpaid Informants: Olympia Daily World, Peg Eby-Jager, Montreal Gazette, Martin Miller, Wireless Flash News Service, Craig Cryer. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. The rest of the week we take Electric Slide dance lessons from the ghost of Ben Franklin.