Let Him Drive
Laura Doyle believes she has found the antidote for wives who are controlling and unhappy about it: They should surrender. As in give up, give in and get over it.
Doyle says she has put her theory into practice in her 10-year marriage and it’s working for her.
Now, the 32-year-old freelance marketing copywriter from Costa Mesa wants to tell you about it.
In a culture that embraces support groups, Web sites and self-help books, Doyle has jumped in feet first. A year ago, she started a support group in her home for other women who struggle with her same issue. And her self-published book is teased on her Web site.
Like so many others, her willingness to extrapolate from her experience and to share the details almost guarantees her an audience of happiness seekers. Just last week Rutgers University’s National Marriage Project study found that fewer people than in past studies think their marriages are “very happy.”
Doyle--an admitted controlling personality type--thinks that when a woman is driven to correct, criticize and conquer a partner, in ways ranging from criticizing gifts to tsk-tsking clothing choices, there’s frustration on both sides. The result, as Doyle sees it, is that neither partner is happy and intimacy suffers.
Yes, she says, she recognizes that men can be domineering, but adds, “I don’t claim to know [about controlling men]. It’s an important issue but I keep my hands off that one.”
Doyle says the solution for the dissatisfaction she shared with her husband, John, was for her to grant decision-making authority to him and to do so graciously and gratefully.
She’s aware that her ideas and the title of her book, “Surrendered Wife: A Woman’s Spiritual Guide to True Intimacy With a Man,” will evoke outrage in some quarters.
Indeed, the very thought of “surrendering” will likely horrify women who have striven for decades to achieve an equal footing with men.
Judith Sills, a clinical psychologist and author of “Loving Men More, Needing Men Less,” said she is alarmed by the extreme nature of the surrendered-wife concept--that the solution for trying to control everything is to control nothing.
“Could it relieve stress? Yes, there’s nothing for relieving stress like giving up,” Sills said. “Are their husbands happier? Uh-huh. I never met a man who would rather fight than get his own way.”
But Sills said, giving up power in a relationship is a dangerous recipe for disappointment and resentment in the long run. “To say I’m going to step back and put everything in his hands is a dive headfirst into the sand. If one person leads in every area, then the other person had better be happy with the harness.”
Doyle, however, is adamant her program does not constitute a step backward for women. She calls herself a feminist, saying she favors equal rights and opportunities for women. She also stresses her remedy isn’t for everyone, and definitely not for women in abusive or seriously dysfunctional relationships.
On her Web site (https://www.surrenderedwife.com), Doyle explains the difference between surrendering and being submissive: “Surrendering means relinquishing or yielding to someone else; in another sense it means you’re through fighting. But, as in war, when you surrender there are also terms. A surrendered wife will only follow her husband’s thinking if it meets her terms. Some women think ‘submissive’ when they hear ‘surrender,’ but it’s not the same.”
In recent years, others have counseled a kinder, gentler approach to relations with the opposite sex--letting men be manly and women be more feminine in the traditional sense, without letting go of the quest for equality or power.
Sills believes partners should stop battling on every point and should become more loving and cooperative with their mates. She sees this as the “natural evolution forward” of the women’s movement, which can now enjoy its successes while seeking more middle ground with men.
Others have taken it further, calling for a return to an overtly male-dominated society. A wave of media coverage followed last year’s affirmation by the Southern Baptist Convention that wives should “submit graciously” to their husbands. No less controversial has been Wendy Shalit’s debut book, “A Return to Modesty: Discovering the Lost Virtue,” in which the 23-year-old author calls for a return to “feminine mystique” and “male honor.”
Doyle said her theories are “absolutely not connected to any religious beliefs,” but instead are an outgrowth of discussions with a therapist, reading such books as John Gray’s “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus,” and talking with friends who encountered similar issues in their marriages.
“I’m definitely a controlling person,” she said. “To me, control is about fear. I came at my marriage with a lot of terror.”
After reviewing Doyle’s Web site, R. Glenn Mowbray, a licensed marriage, family and child counselor in Long Beach, said, “I applaud her emphasis on respect, gratitude and the fact that a controlling wife is ultimately controlled by her own pain, and needs to work this out for herself instead of taking it out on her husband.
“[But] she doesn’t address the ‘two equals’ aspects of a relationship. Mature relationships have role flexibility. For example, in a decision made this morning, the man may lead and the woman follow. Later this afternoon, she may lead and he follow.
“And with the exception of abuse and addiction, she leads the reader to believe other possible male character flaws, poor judgment and truly bad ideas are to be surrendered to.”
Going on a No-Control Date
The change for the Doyles, who have no children, has been dramatic. There is now a greater intimacy and emotional connection in her marriage, Laura Doyle says. She feels protected, loved and--perhaps most important--far less stressed.
Doyle’s first step in her experiment was a “no control” date with John, which, she says, she failed miserably.
John, a computer software training specialist, hadn’t backed the car out of the driveway before Doyle had mapped out her preferred route to the restaurant. Her intention to leave responsibility for the evening to him dissolved into disaster when the slow food service drove her into a stressed-out tizzy.
“That was a big ‘Ah-ha!’ ” she said. “I realized, ‘I’m out of control here.’ ”
Though John “doesn’t pay a lot of attention” to Laura’s surrendered-wife practices, he admits he’s enjoying the changes he sees in his marriage. He feels he can now make decisions without feeling second-guessed.
“Before, I would not do something because I’d tell myself she wouldn’t like it,” he said. “Now, instead of defaulting to her, I have to come up with the answers myself. It’s been a very freeing experience, and very empowering.”
Laura Doyle formed the support group in the fall with a few friends. The small group meets once a month at Doyle’s home to share their experiences, receive feedback and support, and engage in exercises such as listing their partner’s best qualities. Not surprisingly, it’s often a teary session.
Members of her group--who are a mix of churchgoing and nonreligious women--swear by its effectiveness in relieving marital discord and their inability to cope with the pressures of trying to be superwomen.
“I’m a full-time mother going to school and I have my own business,” said Lynnae Bennett. The 33-year-old Rancho Santa Margarita resident is a holistic health-care practitioner. She met Doyle a year ago at a money-management workshop and started attending the group because “I couldn’t do it all anymore.”
Achieving an Inner Calm
By relinquishing control, Bennett said she has achieved an inner calm and a more loving relationship with her husband.
She no longer questions her husband’s rough-and-tumble play with their 2-year-old son, and instead realizes men and women have different approaches to parenting. Still, she said, surrendering is “a daily struggle.”
Another group member, Casey DePersis, 36, a Costa Mesa homemaker, said she was once of the mind that relying on a man equated to weakness.
“But I was operating on my own lack of self-worth and inability to trust,” she said. “I was coming up lacking in what I really wanted, which was a man who loved and cherished me.”
Doyle hopes her ideas will strike a similar chord with others. “I spent all these years doing it the other way and it was really hard and lonely,” she said. “Now I’m saying to other women, here’s a solution and it worked for me.”
