LAUGH LINES

On the Campaign Trail: The race for the Democratic nomination is heating up, and some pundits say the nomination could come down to Al Gore or Bill Bradley. “That’s like choosing between an insurance seminar or a John Tesh concert.” (Jay Leno)

That’s Suspicious: President Clinton’s top ethics advisors are reportedly close to recommending a change in federal law that would allow a certain type of human embryo cell research. “That’s unbelievable. Clinton has ethics advisors?” (Jerry Perisho)

Phew!: The Pentagon held massive Y2K tests. “All went well--Pentagon computers were still perfectly capable of misidentifying targets.” (Daily Scoop)

No Monkeying Around: Bangladesh police rescued two spider monkeys that were trained to sell drugs. “Neighbors were shocked. They seemed like such nice primates.” (Daily Scoop)

It Figures: A survey found that Europeans outdrink Americans, 22 beers to 19 beers a month. “Of course--in Britain you’d have to be drunk to put up with the food.” (Mark Wheeler)

Coming to a Theater Near You: Marilyn Manson is planning to write, star in and compose the music for a new movie. “It’s a light-hearted family film in the tradition of ‘Babe.’ ” (Daily Scoop)

More on the Music Beat: Mick Jagger is reportedly paying Jerry Hall $15 million as part of the agreement to end their relationship. “Apparently getting no satisfaction doesn’t come as cheap as it used to.” (Alex Kaseberg)

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