How Are We Driving?
My husband and I, we come from different worlds. His is fraught with peril, the landscape crowded with predators and obstacles strewn before him by the forces of a hostile universe. Mine is a place of order laced with tedium, of occasional backtracking and much waiting. He struggles to discover the elusive One True Way; I believe those also serve who only stand and wait.
Thus far, we have been able to live with our differences. But there have been moments of questioning, of misunderstanding, of blind screaming hysteria:
Me: “I’m taking Sunset.”
Him: “What, are you crazy? It’ll be bumper to bumper. Take the 2 to the 134, get off at Forest Lawn, which cuts over to the 101, which we can take south for one exit if it’s moving and if it’s not, then we’ll cross it and cut down Cahuenga to Franklin, which should be fine unless there’s a Bowl, which I don’t think there is, to Hollywood then down to Fountain, then we can just make that left.”
Me: “I’m taking Sunset.”
Sort of like Romeo and Juliet if their families had moved to L.A. instead of . . . well, you know.
Forget family feuds, race and religion, caste and class, the real divisions in this town are between driving techniques.
Driving is, after all, the only public act most of us commit every day, often for hours at a time. Involving, as it does, a constant vivid use of physical reflex, intellectual analysis and emotional response, as well as a potentially lethal weapon, driving forces us to make critical decisions about society and our part in it, decisions that reflect and create the very nature of our selves. Do you consider the strip along the side of the freeway the shoulder or your own personal escape path? Is lane-changing listed under “Additional Skills and Hobbies” on your resume? Can you get from downtown to Beverly Hills without making a left turn, and is this a source of pride for you?
These are the distinctions that make us who we are. In Los Angeles, the bellwether of personal ethics is not your expense account or your intentions toward your neighbor’s spouse, but at what point you think it appropriate to enter the exit lane if you intend to actually exit. A mile to spare? An inch?
And then there is the theological aspect. Several people I know believe that God is keeping track, a sort of celestial gym teacher who applauds those who shave five minutes off a commute by a hair-raising series of lane-changes. Others consider time spent idling in traffic a natural opportunity to meditate, count their blessings or catalog every opportunity missed and every harm done them.
Although every personality has its own tics and odd little rules, it seems to me a few basic profiles emerge. . .
THE PROGRESSIVE
* Basic Tenet: “Moving is better.” From the moment he enters the car, this driver believes that his goal is to remain in forward movement until such time as he encounters the Official Edge of the World or his destination. Traffic lights, pedestrians, entrance ramp backups, folks with the audacity to attempt a left turn, these are unacceptable hindrances that must be outmaneuvered. Will take surface streets that lead him miles out of his way rather than sit quietly on the freeway for fewer actual minutes-in-transit. Often bases employment decisions on ability to avoid rush hour.
* Distinguishing traits: Use of alleys and parking lots as shortcuts, muttered condemnations of the way stop lights have been timed.
THE SHEEP
* Basic Tenet: “Here’s how you get there.” After open-minded trial-and-error research, this individual chooses the route with the greatest historical success rate and sticks with it no matter what the prevailing conditions. Holds certain truths to be self-evident: that 3rd and Beverly always move “but only if you stay in the right lane,” that the 405 is never a good idea, that low insurance rates are the best revenge.
* Distinguishing traits: Highlighted, dogeared Thomas Guide, overreaction when faced with street-closing or detour.
THE MULTI-TASKER
* Basic Tenet: “I don’t have time for this.” Often a working mother or a studio executive, this is the person who prides herself on the fact that she can never do one thing at a time even if that thing is guiding a two-ton sport-utility vehicle at full throttle down a pre-Dodger game freeway. No, whether by returning her phone messages, catching up on her personal grooming or just scanning today’s headlines, she’s going to make this time count. Other motorists, including emergency vehicles, are nattering nuisances to be ignored or brushed away.
* Distinguishing traits: Inappropriate responses (stopped at green light, driving through red), driver often not visible--in search of missing comb or cell phone.
THE CONSPIRACY THEORIST
* Basic Tenet: “Everyone else is driving without insurance.” Upon entering the car this driver is, apparently, granted psychic superpowers that allow him to intellectually deconstruct the actions of fellow motorists, assigning them malevolent and Machiavellian intentions. “If that guy thinks he can intimidate me--get off my back, buddy--just so he can get to his drug deal faster, he is very much mistaken.” Attempting to point out that “that guy” is a woman with the two screaming kids in the back seat of a very small Geo is useless. In his mind, other drivers are agents of the devil sent to keep him from his appointed mission, be it rushing a neighbor to the emergency room or just a trip to Vons.
* Distinguishing traits: Operatic arm gestures, hair-trigger horn.
THE POPULIST
* Basic Tenet: “They’re not traffic laws, just guidelines.” Often a transplant from New York or other chaotic metropoli, this driver views freeways as great urban rivers and surface streets as their tributaries. Lanes? Unnecessary limitations in the great swirling surge of humanity. “I see him, I see him, why are you yelling at me?” Stop signs are suggestions, traffic lights mere reminders that other cars may be in the area and so she should use her own very best judgment. Do the fish in the sea worry about left turn lanes or indicators?
* Distinguishing traits: Unwavering, straight-ahead gaze; dented passenger side door.
THE CRITIC
* Basic Tenet: “Well, those people never know how to drive.” Often a kind and considerate pedestrian, this poor soul undergoes an almost molecular transformation when in direct contact with a steering wheel, which forces him to offer an in-depth analysis of the reasons behind the poor driving skills of those around him. Too young, too old, too rich, too poor, too macho, too timid, too American, too foreign . . . the critic is often so involved in his discourse that he fails to make his turn before the light changes.
* Distinguishing traits: Two varieties, the shouter and the mutterer. Both drive alone, but the shouter is often seen being pulled from his vehicle by one or more subjects of his analyses.
THE FREE SPIRIT
* Basic Tenet: “Relax, we’ll get there.” Blessed--or cursed--with an elastic relationship with time, this driver had a Thomas Guide once and thinks it may be in the bathroom closet. Navigates mainly by sensory memory--”there was a bumpy part of the road, and then I smelled frying onions”--and persistence, moving in an erratic cha-cha-cha while scanning for landmarks. Has lived in Los Angeles all her life and still does not know how to get to downtown.
* Distinguishing traits: Reacts to honked horn with a baffled smile, constantly blinking turn signals.
THE KARMIC INVESTOR
* Basic Tenet: “Do Unto Others.” Operating with a belief in celestial payback, this driver waits until the pedestrian is completely out of the crosswalk, motions the teeming multitudes to enter before she does, comes to full stop the moment the light goes amber, and otherwise makes it impossible for the rest of us to get anywhere in an acceptable amount of time. Will undoubtedly get to heaven first.
* Distinguishing traits: Suction-cup animal in rear window, always enough change for her meter--and yours.
Mary McNamara can be reached by e-mail at socalliving@latimes.com.
