Our Right to Life, Liberty and Pursuit of Telemarketing

A lot of you probably saw a story in the paper about a California legislator named Liz Figueroa and her proposed “Don’t Call Us, We’ll Call You” bill.

If this bill passes, you could pay a few extra bucks every year to keep salespeople from calling your home phone.

I, personally, would prefer a law that permits phone calls from interesting strangers while blocking calls from boring friends and relations. But, hey, that’s just me.

Figueroa, a state senator from Fremont, is sponsoring SB 988. Her bill would outlaw telephone solicitors, like the kind who after I say “Hello?” inquire if I am the man of the house.

“No, I am the butler,” I usually say.

“The butler?”

“Yes,” I say. “My master is not yet at home, but I was just getting ready to draw his bath.”

The downside of playing Jeeves is that a caller is now convinced that the man of the house is rich. This means he will call back, probably just when my servant is handing me my towel.

Eventually I end up telling a second lie, like: “Oh, I’m terribly sorry, but I just bought six cemetery plots last week.”

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A quote from the state’s attorney general cited evidence that “telemarketing interruptions are the No. 1 complaint of California consumers.”

I was surprised, since I naturally had assumed that the No. 1 complaint of California consumers was too much foam on the cappuccino.

SB 988 is the ultimate call screener.

For a low, low start-up fee of $10 and a mere $5 payment each year after that--remember, no other state can match our prices!--Figueroa’s bill would grant every call-phonin’ Californian an opportunity to put your name on a blocklist.

The blocklist would register your number with the attorney general’s office and would make it unlawful for phone salespeople to bug you at home.

Now don’t forget, while Figueroa’s proposal sounds OK on the face of it, it also could mean these same salespeople would then have no choice but to come TO your house.

(I already have this happen too often, which explains why I currently own subscriptions to 77 national magazines, including North Dakota Illustrated and Cosmopolitan for Kids.)

If I can get serious here for a minute--check your clock--I’d like to say I am opposed to SB 988.

I happen to have respect for people in sales, people who are just trying to provide a service or pitch a product.

All you have to do is say no. It’ll take no more than 60 seconds of your time, or 90 if you can spare it.

“No, thank you.”

Try it. It isn’t necessary to hang up on the caller with a bang, as if he or she were offering you a free 52-week trial period for pro-Nazi literature.

“No, thank you. I’m sure Sprint is a fine phone company and that Candice Bergen uses it herself to save up to $2 a week on her monthly phone charges, but I’ll stick with A T& T.”

Who knows? It could even be a call offering something you can use.

“Yes, thank you. I actually would like to purchase investment property in Fresno.”

SB 988 has excellent intentions.

It is a bill that cares about a person’s privacy--yeah, the trouble with Alexander Graham Bell was that he gave those damn telephones of his a bell--and about keeping swindlers from scamming your crazy Aunt Lulu out of her life savings by offering her 100 shares in a spectacular llama ranch in Peru.

But we needn’t go too far.

My only real objection to “nuisance calls” is that they aren’t confined to the hours of 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. I figure anybody calling me from 9 to 5 has a perfect right to be a nuisance.

What I hate are the types who conduct business after dark. To those who stubbornly refuse to leave daytime messages, I remind you: That is why God invented answering machines.

Leave your number. Then, if I really want shag carpeting at 98 cents a yard, I can call you back.

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A lot of us grew up with Fuller Brush men, Avon ladies, encyclopedia peddlers . . . door-to-door salespeople, most of whom were making an honest living.

Nowadays it’s the suckers who don’t want to give the sellers an even break.

Try to be patient. For example, I got a call the other day asking me to subscribe to a newspaper. I said, “I already take a different paper.” He said, “Why not try two?”

So, I subscribed to mine twice.

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Mike Downey’s column appears Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Write to him at Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles 90053. E-mail: mike.downey@latimes.com