Tales of the Pirates From Long Ago

The Empire Strikes It Rich: Like most Americans, we’re worried that George Lucas isn’t making enough money off “Star Wars.”

According to our calculations, the number of merchandising tie-ins--such as light saber condoms, Garth Vader CDs (heavy-breathing versions of your country favorites) and movie-related books (“Jar Jar Binks’ How to Win Friends and Influence People”)--might be insufficient to ensure Lucas’ financial peace of mind.

This could create a disturbance in the Force.

One of the biggest problems is the proliferation of pirated versions of “Phantom Menace,” which are filmed by people sneaking video cameras into theaters. This got us wondering about the origins of the bootleg industry.

So we sent our time-traveling journalist into the past to investigate. Riding in Caltech’s experimental time machine, he learned that bootlegging is an age-old practice. For example, in William Shakespeare’s day, pirate publishers smuggled pen and paper into the Globe theater to scribble down the Bard’s plays in shorthand.

The pirated scripts were then sold on the black market before their official release for home rental or purchase at Ye Olde Blockbuster.

However, the quality was poor. “The Merchant of Venice” became “The Merchant of Venus” or “The Merchant of Venison.” In other cases, important dialogue was mangled, as in a pirated transcript of Hamlet’s famous soliloquy that read: “Toupee or not toupee, that is the question.”

Fortunately, Shakespeare made up for the lost income by leaving no merchandising angle unturned. In addition to Romeo and Juliet action figures, he licensed Taming of the Shoe footwear, A Midsummer Night’s Dream sleeping pills and a line of Chinese food called Chung King Lear.

He also allowed a 16th century restaurant chain to sell Othello collectible toys with McGruel Happy Meals.

Father’s Day Gift Bureau: Actual products for the man who has everything:

* Freudian slippers: bedroom shoes with fuzzy Sigmund Freud heads on the top, available at https://www.PossibilitiesShop.com.

* Designer apples, developed by an Indiana farmer who uses a special method to grow logos or messages on the skin of the fruit.

* Motorized suitcases, which allow people to ride and steer their luggage through the airport. As seen in the Sun tabloid.

* Teflon-coated neckties, to prevent stains. From J.C. Penney.

* Devotional candles that offer “Powerful protection from alien abduction.” Available at (888) 328-2420.

Dumbing Down Department: “Winnie the Pooh” has been added to UC Berkeley’s recommended reading list for incoming freshmen.

Random History Bureau: Forty years ago this week, Liberace sued the London Daily Mirror for implying he was gay. He won the case and was awarded $16,000.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “India Legalizes Toe Sucking!” (Weekly World News)

Unpaid Informants: Mary Stolzenbach, Wireless Flash News, Wall Street Journal, Reuters. Off-Kilter’s e-mail address is roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.