A Knuckle-Dragging Good Time

I am a primate fanatic. About five years ago, I got to hold a baby chimpanzee at the state fair. Though he sat on my lap for mere seconds, my grin lasted for months. I have a Polaroid of us on a coffee table in my living room.

My apartment is filled with plush chimps, orangutans, gorillas and monkeys. The refrigerator is covered with chimp paraphernalia. My walls are covered with greeting cards picturing primates. I draw them in my class notes or scribble their faces when I’m on the phone.

Every day, I check Discovery Online’s live Orangutan Cam (https://discovery.com/cams/orang/orangmain.html) to see what’s happening at the Think Tank project at the National Zoo in Washington, where biologists teach orangs to communicate.

Now that the “Chimp Channel” is on every Thursday at 7:05 p.m. on the TBS Superstation, my life is complete. I get a whole half-hour of chimps in parodies of TV shows such as “Ally McSqueal” and “Touched by an Anvil” and movies such as “The Full Monty.” There’s nothing better than coming home to an evening of chimp comedy after a long day’s work.

The “Chimp Channel” revolves around an ape-run television production studio. The show was inspired by TBS’ “Monkey-ed Movies,” which parodied such human movies as “Scream,” “A Few Good Men” and “Interview With a Vampire.” I must admit, I enjoyed the furry versions more.

Both the “Chimp Channel” and “Monkey-ed Movies” are comparable to that 1970s series “Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp,” which featured a secret agent chimp and his primate cohorts.

The newer shows may never recapture the greatness of “Lancelot Link.” Still, I consider cast members on the “Chimp Channel” to be geniuses.

They can turn rotten scripts into sidesplitting comedy. Marina, the haughty, blond vixen, has a remarkable command over her tantrum scenes. One of the show’s orangutans, Murray Price, is the “Chimp Channel’s” answer to Larry King. The actors have throwing, spitting and hooting down to a science.

Though we humans consider ourselves the more intelligent species, apes aren’t far behind. They’ve been taught sign language, music, art and more. You can buy limited edition chimp art postcards online, with titles by the artists. (https://www.cwu.edu/~cwuchci/giftshop/chimp_art.html).

The best ape talent, by far, would have to be the escape-from-the-zoo trick. Once one chimp learns to escape, it teaches its cellmates the maneuver.

Everyone has specific reasons for liking certain animals. I like chimps and orangutans because they are humanlike. You may have heard that chimpanzees share more than 98% of our DNA.

That’s not the only thing we share. Chimps live in societies similar to human groups, in social hierarchies with leaders and subordinates. Superiors may attack if not shown the proper respect. Sound familiar?

Chimps may not have flushing toilets in the wild, but they prefer to do their monkey business in private. But don’t call them monkeys! Chimps and orangutans are not monkeys, they’re apes. Besides, monkeys aren’t as wonderful as apes. Spider monkeys are OK (I once paid an organ grinder-type spider monkey a dollar to climb on my back).

Orangutans, on the other hand, live much differently than humans. Orangutans are solitary once they reach adolescence. That’s probably why there’s only one orangutan on the “Chimp Channel.”

Not all primates are wonderful, though. Baboons give me the creeps. They’re mean and ugly. I once read an article that compared hungry baboons to aroused stockbrokers--sounds pretty accurate to me.

Animal-rights activists might be comforted by the fact that the American Humane Assn.’s film and television unit is on hand during all “Chimp Channel” productions. The AHA people make sure the primates have plenty of food, rest and playtime.

If our human bosses would do the same, I bet office productivity would increase 99%.