LAUGH LINES

Psst: Researchers in the U.S. allegedly passed nuclear secrets to the Chinese. “White House officials were outraged, claiming that if scientists continue to pass nuclear secrets to the Chinese, it could cripple Democratic fund-raising capabilities.” (Jon Stewart)

On the Campaign Trail: Pat Buchanan’s running for president again. “Third time, still no charm.” (Michael Feldman)

On the Campaign Trail II: “Buchanan’s promised, ‘I won’t bomb Iraq to cover up an affair with an intern. I’ll bomb Iraq just for the fun of it.’ ” (Jay Leno)

Holidaze: This week marked International Women’s Day. “I understand President Clinton honored the occasion in the usual way. He said, ‘Hey, put me down for two.’ ” (David Letterman)

Some Explanation: Parents are having a hard time explaining to children why Monica Lewinsky is in the news. “I guess the White House and President Clinton have put out a book to help young kids understand this: ‘Fun With Dick and Jane Doe.’ ” (Leno)

Life in the Slow Lane: Unveiling plans to reduce traffic congestion, Vice President Al Gore said special summits will be held in Atlanta, San Francisco, Detroit and Blue Springs, Mo. “Yeah, you don’t want to get caught in the Blue Springs congestion. Sometimes it takes 10 minutes to move the tractor from the pasture to the barn.” (Jerry Perisho)

Life in the Slow Lane II: Al Gore is proposing an N11 number similar to 911 except it’ll provide information like traffic conditions and bus schedules. “Then there’s P11, if you need to know the location of the nearest restroom.” (Daily Scoop)

In the Mail: A Senate subcommittee is considering cracking down on sweepstakes mailings. “Publishers Clearinghouse already received a letter from the government saying, ‘You may already be a defendant.’ ” (Mark Wheeler)

Foreign Policy: Afghanistan’s rulers, the Taliban, have banned leather jackets in the country. “People who want to keep warm will have to use, well, afghans.” (Daily Scoop)

From the Legal File: The Supreme Court is allowing a lawsuit against filmmaker Oliver Stone that alleges the movie “Natural Born Killers” inspired a real crime spree. “In a little-noticed portion of the ruling, Stone can also be held liable for The Doors inspiring a series of really bad rock ‘n’ roll movies.” (Alex Kaseberg)

In the Arena: The L.A. Lakers have won every game since Dennis Rodman joined the team. “It’s working so well, the Clippers are thinking about signing RuPaul.” (Daily Scoop)

Happy Birthday: Two celebrities are celebrating a common birthday this week. Barbie and Kato Kaelin were both born March 9, 1959. “Yep, America’s favorite bleached blond is actually turning 40. And so is Barbie.” (Axel W. Kyster)

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.