A Rainy-Day Tip to Stand Test of Times

The phone call came on a rainy Southern California morning not unlike Thursday. In a matter-of-fact voice, a man left a message that went something like this:

“Would you do me and your readers a tremendous service by explaining how to extract The Times from its plastic wrapping on days when it rains? The task seems almost impossible.”

That isn’t exactly my department, but I can relate.

Who among us hasn’t awakened at dawn and, upon hearing the pitter-patter of rain on the roof, knows instinctively the imminent challenge of freeing The Times from its protective shield? Who among us hasn’t both marveled and cursed the engineering wizards who keep our paper dry?

The Pharaohs are no less entombed than is our beloved rainy-day daily. Tiffany’s should protect its jewels as well.

Rest assured, however, that it’s possible for a person of average strength and intelligence to remove the paper intact, and without injuring one’s self.

This preliminary warning, however: Do not under any circumstances attempt to pull apart the bound plastic with your bare hands. The amount of tensile force required for such a feat can easily generate a reverse effect of such incredible speed and power that, should your hands slip, you could in a flash hit yourself in the head and knock yourself unconscious.

With that in mind, proceed as follows:

Clear a large workbench, no less than 6 feet by 8 feet. Cover the bench with an old canvas drop cloth. A horse blanket would also suffice. Make certain, of course, that you are wearing safety goggles and standard dungaree work clothes.

Before beginning the extraction, be certain the plastic wrapping is in a pristine state. To that end, use a discardable towel to wipe away residual droplets of moisture, mud, matted twigs, dog droppings, flower petals or dead snails that may have adhered to the plastic wrap after it was left on your lawn or sidewalk. Upon completion, wash your hands with an industrial-strength soap.

Place the now-dry plastic wrap in the middle of the workbench. Using a polo mallet, deliver a series of powerful blows at various points on the wrapper to flatten it as much as possible. No fewer than six blows are recommended, but if you’re dealing with the Sunday paper, you may need up to 30.

With the newspaper and covering now reduced to a width of no more than one-eighth of an inch, use two fingers of each hand and pick up the wrapping at the end opposite the sealed binding. Shake gently, attempting to separate, as much as possible, the newspaper from its protective cover.

Leaving the newspaper and wrapper on the bench, go to the kitchen and fill a large, clean saucepan with water.

Put the pan on a burner and turn to the maximum setting. As the water nears a full boil, add a teaspoon of ginseng oil and vanilla extract and a tincture of iodine. In the proper combination, those are the only known ingredients proven to weaken the molecular structure of the plastic binding.

After donning a thick pair of oven mittens, hold the newspaper and wrapping over the steaming pan for 20 minutes. Rotate slowly, as if the plastic were on a rotisserie. Do not be alarmed if the encased newspaper appears somewhat soggy or lifeless. The plastic coating will prevent significant damage.

After 20 minutes, place the package on a clean surface, such as a counter top. Let cool 10 minutes. With a pair of needle-nose pliers in each hand, take the wrapper in the pliers’ jaws and gently pull it apart at the seam. Apply force as necessary.

The binding should open easily. Your task complete, reach in and pull out the newspaper. If it fails, wait 45 minutes and repeat entire procedure.

If you begin by, let’s say 6 a.m., you’ll almost certainly be reading by 9.

Dana Parsons’ column appears Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. Readers may reach Parsons by calling (714) 966-7821 or by writing to him at the Times Orange County Edition, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, CA 92626, or by e-mail to dana.parsons@latimes.com