Meet in L.A.? So What’s to Go Wrong?

Labor Day 2000 has come and gone, and the Southern California sky is turning an autumnal brown. And in hindsight, Los Angeles is wondering whether it was such a good idea to host the Democratic convention.

The first hint of trouble cropped up when convention planners asked Alec Baldwin for entertainment ideas. He replied with one word: “Stones.” Thinking he was proposing a fund-raising concert with Mick Jagger, they gladly told him to make arrangements.

When the big day arrived, they were surprised to learn that the venue was a local quarry. Baldwin and his followers were planning to carry out a suggestion that he had made in 1998 on a television show: to stone Rep. Henry Hyde over impeachment. The group marched to LAX, intending to catch the next flight to Hyde’s hometown of Chicago.

Fortunately for Hyde, their rock-filled bags wouldn’t fit in the overhead bins.

Vice President Al Gore said in Washington that while he did not personally approve of violence, “there is no controlling legal authority that explicitly forbids the throwing of this particular mineral at portly Illinois congressmen.”

Reacting to these events, convention planners asked the Rev. Robert Schuller to give the invocation. Since Schuller had earlier called on President Clinton to resign, they thought his presence would symbolize reconciliation. Things worked out fine until he got to the green room, exploding when he found that the attendants had forgotten his request for 10 pounds of grapes. After he wrestled 15 guards to the ground, it took an LAPD riot squad to eject him. The Minnesota delegation then approached him about running for governor.

Meanwhile, Gore had landed at the airport. Glancing at a local newspaper story about 501 people living and working in a single building, Gore told waiting reporters: “This model project provides high-density housing and reduces the number of long, environmentally damaging highway commutes. This is the way to fight suburban sprawl.” He had to backtrack when an aide pointed out that the story concerned a sweatshop for illegal aliens.

Things went a little better at a fund-raiser at a Buddhist temple, where Gore chatted with “X-Files” creator Chris Carter. Disappointed to learn that the show features the “Cigarette-Smoking Man,” Gore prodded Carter to change the character. Carter yielded to the vice president’s passionate arguments, so now the show’s villain will be the “Licorice-Eating Man.”

Arriving late at the reception, President Clinton sought out another guest: Hugh Grant. It appeared that the president was asking for directions. After a few minutes, Clinton left abruptly. Acting on a tip, reporters found him on Sunset Boulevard, speaking with several women in hot pants. When questioned about his plans, he said: “This was a group of street vendors whom I was . . . mentoring. In fact, I’m going to refer them to Vernon Jordan for job opportunities.”

The president apparently sensed political trouble. With a panicky look on his face, he ran into his car, Bronco One. As the driver sped to the 405 freeway, Clinton placed a conference call to his Cabinet about possible courses of action. He wanted to combine his standard reaction to public relations crises with the vice president’s war on suburban sprawl.

After considerable discussion, however, the administration opted against an airstrike on Rancho Cucamonga.

Gore was watching the scene on television, horrified that it was drawing attention away from the convention. “At least things can’t get any worse,” he said grimly to an aide.

At that point, the ground began to shake.