LAUGH LINES
White House Woes: The White House denies news reports that Bill and Hillary Clinton are in a trial separation and says Hillary left their ski vacation a day early and then didn’t accompany the president to Central America because of a back injury. “Probably caused by the weight of that last straw.” (Steve Voldseth)
White House Woes II: According to Fox News, Bill and Hillary got in a huge shouting match during their ski vacation. “In fact, they say it is the first time ever that Clinton has screamed out her name.” (Jay Leno)
One More White House Woe: Ex-advisor George Stephanopolous says that Bill Clinton isn’t fit to be elected and has tarnished the presidency. “As the saying goes, George, you’re a day late and very short.” (Colin Quinn)
On the Campaign Trail: Elizabeth Dole said at a rally that she is not a career politician and as a result she does not have a lot of old political baggage. “Unless, of course, you count Bob Dole.” (Quinn)
You May Already Be a Winner: The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices. “These companies target the elderly, make them think they are going to get a bunch of money but in reality they never see any of it. The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.” (Quinn)
Take a Shot: Los Angeles is still trying to get a professional football team. “I’ve got an idea. Why don’t we just give the Clippers a football? Maybe they’ll be better at that sport.” (Leno)
Another Round: Evander Holyfield says he’s willing to go toe to toe with Lennox Lewis again. “Toe to toe, yes, but trading punches again? That’s another story.” (Gary Easley)
Rocket Science: NASA is scheduling a shuttle mission with five women and no men. “This way, if the ship gets lost, somebody will definitely ask for directions.” (Rudolph J. Cecera)
Ail, Ail, the Gang’s All Here: George Jones is recovering from an auto accident, and Keith Richards called to wish him well. “He’s still heavily medicated and can barely talk, but George Jones understood him anyway.” (Leno)
Happy Birthday: Dennis the Menace is 49. “What do you get for a kid who’s gotten away with everything?” (Voldseth)
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Chris Pina’s
Essential List of the Day
Possible surgery broadcasts (now that comedian John Byner has had a face-lift operation live on the Internet):
8. “Ted Kennedy’s Funniest Liver Transplants.”
7. “Boutros Boutros-Ghali Gets a Boutros Removed.”
5. “Tinky Winky’s Sex Change.”
4. “Michael Jackson’s Facial Deconstruction.”
3. “Al Gore’s Daily Reanimation.”
1. “Paula Jones’ ‘My Favorite Day Under the Knife.’ ”
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