They Truly Expect These Golfers to Tear Up Course

Mitch Juricich of the “Hooked on Golf” show on Fox Sports in the Bay Area is planning a bizarre day of golf for a group of building owners and managers at the San Mateo Municipal Golf Course on March 31.

That’s the last day of operation before the course closes for a year for renovation and Tom FitzGerald of the San Francisco Chronicle says that might explain the “rules” of the tournament:

* Carts must stay on the fairways at all times!

* Please! Do not replace your divots! In fact, take some home with you.

* The raking of bunkers is strictly prohibited.

* To get to the cocktail reception as quick as possible, please feel free to drive across the greens when returning to the clubhouse.

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Trivia time: Which NBA team holds the record for points in the first half?

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Rudeness addressed: Golf World reports that Dicky Pride made a comment to a fan who was using a cell phone within several feet of the gallery ropes at the recent Honda Classic tournament at Coral Springs, Fla.:

“Excuse me, I’m working here. If you need to work, then go to your office.”

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Raid needed: Peter Vecsey in the New York Post on Minnesota Timberwolf General Manager Kevin McHale’s problems with agent David Falk:

“McHale is working feverishly to perfect an anti-agent spray.

“ ‘They’re like a bad virus. Just when you think you’ve killed ‘em, they get stronger and mutate like cockroaches,’ he says.”

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Take your choice: Tom Cushman in the San Diego Union-Tribune: “There are only three possible explanations for the scoring of two judges who reduced the convincing victory of England’s Lennox Lewis over Evander Holyfield to a draw status:

“1. Abject incompetence. 2. Payoffs--either through the promise of other lucrative assignments, or in cash. 3. A gun held to their heads, and I’m not referring to a water pistol.”

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Mr. Excitement: Bruce Jenkins in the San Francisco Chronicle on Jason Williams, the Sacramento Kings’ rookie sensation:

“He looks shy and clue-free, and in the company of strangers, he’s got the personality of a Kansas cornfield.

“Then the game starts, and he might as well be Bob Cousy or Magic Johnson or Pete Maravich because you can’t stop watching him. Your eyes simply won’t allow it.”

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Closing time: The NFL will bring back instant replay next year.

“This is one of two new rules that will affect play,” comedy writer Alan Ray says. “In the other, Kerry Collins cannot be sold beer after the third quarter.”

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Trivia answer: The Phoenix Suns, with 107 against the Denver Nuggets on Nov. 10, 1990.

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And finally: Eight London churches, claiming that soccer fans are being encouraged to put the game before God, plan a noisy protest by ringing their bells today during a top English club game.

The match was moved from Saturday to today to accommodate television.