LAUGH LINES

Oscar Hangover: The Academy Awards were given out Sunday. “Four hours long and this show has the nerve to be giving out awards for editing?” (David Letterman)

Oscar Hangover II: “Wouldn’t it be great if genetic engineers could combine, like, the genes of Roberto Benigni and Al Gore and create one person with a normal emotional level?” (Jay Leno)

It’s a Bird, It’s a Plane . . .: Balloonists set a round-the-world record. “They weren’t the first to be supported by hot air and gas for such a long time. Ken Starr did it for two years.” (Stan Kaplan)

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The Essential

David Letterman

What Shakespeare would say if he were alive today:

10. “Now that I’ve had 400 years to think about it, tights are kind of fruity.”

9. “What’s Gore talking about? I invented the Internet.”

8. “I got ideas for three new plays just by watching Jerry Springer.”

7. “Even I think ‘Saving Private Ryan’ is a much better movie than ‘Shakespeare in Love.’ ”

5. “ ‘Cats’? Good Lord, is that still playing?”

4. “What’s something good that rhymes with ‘Hooters’?”

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