When the Dead Zone and Fun Zone Collide, Make Sure You Have a Ticket

Two Tickets to Paradise: When a rich man asked Jesus what was required to get into heaven, the Lord told him to follow the Ten Commandments and “sell all you have and give it to the poor.”

This is not a message that most Americans like to hear, especially if they’re doing well in the stock market. Fortunately, the price of admission to the Pearly Gates has been slashed in recent years amid growing competition in the afterlife industry.

For example, Disney is now building a massive spirit world resort (sample ad campaign: “You’ve just been eaten by cannibals on Fox TV’s ‘World’s Most Horrible Deaths.’ Where are you going now?” Answer: “I’m going to DisneyNirvana!”).

And Knott’s Berry Farm opened Knott’s Bought the Farm, an afterlife amusement park. As one Wall Street analyst noted, “Corporations are finally recognizing that the dead represent a vast, untapped market.”

Even hell has undergone extensive remodeling. Its new owner, 666 Flags, has updated Hades’ aging Backdraft ride and plans to add two new attractions--Dante’s Inferno 3-D and Waterworld, which looks like an exciting stunt show but is actually just a screening of the Kevin Costner movie, over and over for all eternity.

In the face of this scramble for souls, heaven has also taken steps to protect its market share.

According to Wireless Flash News Service, it’s now possible to get past St. Peter for a mere $10. An Oregon woman named Mari Stephenson has launched an Internet site, https://www.tickettoheaven.com, that offers discount admissions to God’s kingdom. The tickets come with a money-back guarantee, and Stephenson claims they’ll even work for atheists, serial killers, Kenny G and others who would normally be hell-bound.

Each ticket features gold ink and silver embossing, and allows the customer to specify harp or non-harp section.

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Rug-o-Rama: A Georgia carpet company has developed a strange new batch of colors for its products. According to the San Francisco Chronicle, Patcraft’s Scholastic rug series comes in the following colors: “Honor Roll,” “Diploma,” “Thesis” and “Mortar Board” (we’d like to see shades dubbed “Frat Party,” “Calling Home to Weasel Money Out of Mom and Dad” and “Sleeping With the Professor to Get an A”).

The Classified line includes “Warren Commission,” “Iran Contra,” “Authorized Personnel” and “Pentagon Papers” (but no “Julius and Ethel Rosenberg,” “Monica-gate” or “the Colonel’s Secret Recipe”).

Patcraft also has a Flashback carpeting series that comes in such colors as “Psychedelic,” “Nehru Collars,” “Lava Lamp,” “Peace Sign,” “Flower Power” and “Berkeley Daze” (but no “Drug Overdose,” “Zapruder Film” or “Stabbing at Altamont”).

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Buried Treasure Bureau: Boating magazine is offering a $10,000 reward to anyone who finds the body of former Teamster boss Jimmy Hoffa.

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Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Your Favorite Cuss Word Reveals Your Personality!” (Weekly World News)

We think this theory is a bunch of $#@%!, which apparently means we are down to earth, honest and would excel as a painter or pharmacist. We also tend to be perfectionists and are self-critical, but we’re passionate, sexy and family-oriented, although we don’t express affection as well as people who prefer other cuss words.

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Unpaid Informants: Sue Timmons. E-mail Off-Kilter at roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.