He Must Have Thought It Was a Food Bank

The story about Kansas football player Dion Rayford, who got stuck in a Taco Bell takeout window, reminded Boston Globe columnist Will McDonough of a retired colleague’s story.

He was driving home one day, was hungry, and decided to pull into a drive-thru line for some food. When he got to the window, he told the woman, “I’d like a cheeseburger, fries and a milkshake.”

She looked at him quizzically and said, ‘Sorry, I can’t help you.” Indignant, our man asked, “Why not?”

She replied evenly, “Because this is a bank.”

*

Trivia time: Only two second-year NFL players have won the Associated Press’ MVP award. Who are they?

*

It was that easy: Washington took control of Saturday’s game against Washington State--which the Huskies won, 24-14--when wide receiver Dane Looker took a long lateral from quarterback Marques Tuiasosopo and threw to wide-open Joe Jarzynka for a 55-yard touchdown.

John McGrath of the Tacoma News Tribune called it “the easiest score this side of a Minnesota Gophers term paper.”

*

Mediocre: Fran Blinebury of the Houston Chronicle, commenting on the Dallas Cowboys’ .500 record:

“The Cowboys are like one of those hotel honor bars in which the guest before you has put the empty containers back in the refrigerator before checking out. It looks full at a glance but is actually all used up.

“And don’t you hate it when you get one of those bottles of water with a loose lid?”

*

Tough task: Mark Zeigler of the San Diego Union-Tribune was at a recent Laker practice where assistant coach Tex Winter tried to help Shaquille O’Neal with his free-throw shooting.

“They are an unlikely pair, Shaq and Tex. One is 7-foot-1, 320 pounds, 27 years old. The other is maybe 6-feet, 160 pounds, 77 years old. One climbs in his lowered Mercedes with the “DUNKON U” plates and slides some gangsta rap into the CD player. The other knows what a 78 is.”

With all due respect to Winter, the Lakers still have former coach Bill Sharman in their organization. As a player with the Boston Celtics, Sharman was a career 88% free-throw shooter. Couldn’t he be of some help?

*

Apprenticeship: Andre Miller, the Cleveland Cavaliers’ rookie point guard, drives to the basket constantly. Yet he goes to the free-throw line only occasionally.

“I don’t expect to get any calls until I start bleeding,” Miller said.

*

What, no Pumpkin Pie Bowl? Because it’s Thanksgiving Day, Morning Briefing recalls the short-lived Turkey Bowl that was held only one year, in 1946. The result? Evansville defeated Northern Illinois, 19-7, in case you’ve forgotten.

*

Trivia answer: Houston Oiler running back Earl Campbell in 1979 and Miami Dolphin quarterback Dan Marino in 1984.

*

And finally: San Francisco 49er Coach Steve Mariucci, on his slumping team: “You go through times when you wake up at night and say, ‘What in the world do I have to do differently or better?’ ”