CHRIS DUFRESNE’ TOP 25

1. Florida State (4-0) Held captive on Rankman’s concierge level, team orders room service.

2. Florida (4-0) Gators fixin’ to hand ‘Bama a loss and maybe its coach his walking papers.

3. Penn State (5-0) Paterno uses bye week to have cuffs on pants raised two inches.

4. Michigan (4-0) Wolverine defense goes skeet shooting to prepare for Drew Brees.

5. Texas A&M; (3-0) Sorry, school forgot to fax quip about Aggies this week.

6. Nebraska (4-0) Revisionist backfield coaches pine for the good ol’ days of Lawrence Phillips.

7. Tennessee (2-1) Hard-hitting HeeHaw.com story lashes back at ruinous ESPN.com allegations.

8. Ohio State (3-1) For Cooper’s 100th win, Buckeye fans send coach a cheese tray.

9. Georgia Tech (2-1) To secure Heisman, Hamilton needs to lose twice more to Florida State.

10. Virginia Tech (3-0) Fearing the fix is in, school hires G. Gordon Liddy to break into BCS headquarters.

11. Georgia (3-0) Even Uga had to hide his eyes after ugly win over Central Florida.

12. Purdue (4-0) Jim Everett returns to school to teach Brees the “phantom sack.”

13. Marshall (4-0) Rankman unveils strategy to rebuild western football: the Marshall plan.

14. Michigan State (4-0) Spartans need only to plow Iowa this week to set up Oct. 9 barnburner with Michigan.

15. East Carolina (4-0) After trashing goal posts, rowdy fans take off after whiny Ryder Cup Euros.

16. Texas (4-1) Just for kicks, QB Major Applewhite will dress up as Drew Brees for K-State game.

17. Kansas State (3-0) Big 12 drags Snyder’s team to Austin, kicking and screaming.

18. Mississippi State (4-0) Despite Bulldogs’ hot start, contract stipulates Rankman never has to go to Starkville.

19. Miami (2-2) Bob Davie calls Butch Davis to say, “I feel your last-minute pain.”

20. Alabama (3-1) ‘Bama coach calls job-saving win over Hogs “an affair to remember.”

21. Oklahoma (3-0) Never thought team would step so high with new coach.

22. Oregon (3-1) Dear Pac-10: Slipping fast in Rankman’s poll. Short on supplies. Will write soon. Love, Ducks.

23. Syracuse (3-1) Renting poll spot for two weeks until Oct. 16 game at Virginia Tech.

24. Wisconsin (2-2) As Heisman hopes go, the guy’s name is now Ron Done.

25. Azusa Pacific (3-1) Pac-10 had two headhunters at last week’s 59-52 win over Redlands.