Simi-Based MOMS Club Hits Home

Mary James was just looking for other moms to share child-rearing tips and companionship during the tedious and lonely early years of motherhood.

But the group she formed, with its simple premise of supporting parents who want to raise their children themselves, has resonated deeply with the nation’s stay-at-home mothers.

More than 900 chapters of the MOMS (Moms Offering Moms Support) Club James created in her Simi Valley home 16 years ago have popped up across the United States. And the nonprofit group recently went international.

MOMS Club-Slovenia opened in the former communist country to calm the jitters of mothers unsure of their decision to be a full-time parent.

“When they were under communism, the women were urged to drop their children off at day-care and go to work,” James said. “Now they want to persuade parents it’s OK to stay home.”

It is a message James and the 100 volunteers who help run her national organization hope to get across in this country too. Women who put a career on hold to raise kids are weary of the inevitable cocktail party queries: “Aren’t you too smart to stay at home?” and “But what do you really do?”

State and federal programs for improving child care have mounted in recent years, bringing new money and attention to the needs of children with working parents. But it is at least as important, says an emerging corps of at-home activists, to recognize, inform and support parents who want to raise their children themselves--often at financial sacrifice.

“This is not a strict economic decision,” James said. “Most are making the choice out of their hearts. If they want to stay home, they will find a way to do it, even if their income is very low.”

Support groups for at-home parents have sprouted throughout the country in recent years, said Sharon Rutberg, spokeswoman for Mothers at Home, a Virginia-based advocacy group. But none are as large and organized as MOMS Club, Rutberg said.

“It has touched a nerve,” Rutberg said. “There is a trend of more people trying to be home with their kids. And along with that comes a need for support.”

MOMS Club is filling a gap left when women in the ‘70s began entering the work force in droves. Suburbs once filled with chattering neighbors swapping baby-sitting favors have become ghost towns during the week, making it hard for at-home moms to connect with other moms.

James faced that dilemma in 1983. Newly arrived in Simi Valley, she had two small children, no friends and a husband at work all day. All of the women’s clubs met at night and did not allow children.

“I had a 3-year-old and a new baby,” James said. “I needed some activities during the day, which is when at-home moms go nuts.”

She posted a notice in a newspaper inviting mothers to meet at a local park. No one showed up. She got no encouragement from a local newspaper when she asked for a story on the new group she was forming, James recalls.

“The editor said, ‘I don’t see why mothers at home need support,’ ” James said.

She posted another notice, and another, until, on the fourth try, six parents attended a gathering at a library. The club grew from there.

From the start, James set ground rules: children are always welcome at activities (except for the occasional “Moms’ Night Out”); chapters with memberships larger than 50 are split so they do not become impersonal, and members are asked to make every effort to support each other in their decision to stay home.

Ventura County has 10 MOMS Club chapters, with a combined membership of 500 mothers. There are a few dads too. But most men caring for children at home stick to themselves or prefer organizations that cater to fathers, James said.

Census Bureau data indicate stay-at-home mothers account for the care of about 53% of children below age 5 nationally. Experts disagree on whether that number has decreased in recent years. About 1.5% of caregivers are men.

The biggest growth in Ventura County in recent years has been in Camarillo, Thousand Oaks and Simi Valley. Each chapter elects officers and forms committees that take on a variety of duties, such as publishing a newsletter, scheduling play dates and organizing service projects.

A 15-page newsletter distributed to members of the Camarillo West chapter last month is crammed with advice (“Ellen recommends the Entenmann/Orowheat Outlet in Ventura, which offers up to 50% off suggested retail!”). It also has a busy calendar of events and a “Cyber Corner,” listing Internet sites aimed at children and families.

Members deliver ready-made meals to families for the first few days after a birth. A “Cuddle Club” pairs youngsters with seniors at community groups. The biggest lure for many mothers, however, is the chance to share stories and tips on parenting, or just blow off steam, said Barbara Leighty, a Simi Valley homemaker.

Leighty said when she joined eight years ago, “I didn’t know anyone else staying home except my neighbor around the corner.

“And at the meetings, all of a sudden I knew all kinds of people in the same situation.”

People sometimes view at-home moms as a symbol of affluence. But that doesn’t hold up in MOMS Club, James said. A survey at the Simi Valley chapter a few years ago showed annual family incomes ranged from $20,000 to $80,000.

Many families see their incomes plunge when the woman leaves the work force for full-time motherhood.

Kelly Petrula, 26, had just graduated from Cal State Northridge with a degree in child development and was preparing for a career as an elementary school teacher when she married.

The Thousand Oaks woman gave up teaching plans to care for her stepson and later the couple’s infant daughter. For a while, the family was scraping by on $25,000 a year at a condo in the posh Wood Ranch area, Petrula said.

“It’s hard to live in such an affluent neighborhood. It seems everyone has a bigger house and more nice things,” Petrula said. “But we both believe that if we choose to have kids, we should raise them ourselves. We want the children to have our love and our values.”

The decision also allowed her husband, Chris, to concentrate on his budding career as a Web page designer, Kelly Petrula said.

“If we were both working, we would have to take turns watching the kids when they’re sick,” she said. “It’s made it much easier for him. He goes to work and I do everything else.”

Although some women are content to assume the role of homemaker, it is myth to assume all are throwbacks to the 1950s, at-home advocates say.

“Super Mom” stickers on the minivan are fine for some moms, but others leave the work force with great trepidation.

Work for them has been an important source of self-esteem, and they cringe at the homemaker label. Kristi Ryan, 32, of Camarillo, had spent seven years pursuing her dream job as a math teacher at Oxnard College when she learned she was pregnant within weeks of landing the job.

Fine, Ryan thought. She believed she would just take a few months off after the birth and jump right back in. She did--for four months. Then she asked for a year’s leave of absence. After six months, college administrators were pushing her to decide whether she would be returning.

Ryan said she knew she could not excel at being both a mother and a teacher. She had to choose one, and she opted to stay home with her baby.

“I knew what I needed to do from the beginning,” Ryan said. “But it was so hard to walk away.”

Now she spends her days wiping goo off daughter Lainie’s face and washing loads of laundry during the child’s naps. MOMS Club gives her the opportunity to get out of the house and compare child development stories.

“Nobody is really interested in potty training unless you are going through it,” she said.

James, who is not paid for what has become a full-time job, says she is in it for the long haul. With her own children now nearing independence, she spends her days helping 20 to 30 chapters a month form. Growth exploded earlier this year when the club put up a Web site (www.momsclub.org).

James seems impatient with questions on why she commits so much time and energy to the group.

“It needs to be done,” James said. “It’s not the kind of thing you can just say, ‘Hey, come take over this full-time, free job.’ ”

Leighty, who has known James several years, says James is low-key, energetic--and committed to the cause.

“She wants everyone to recognize that staying home and raising your kids is a very important job.”

FYI

To find out more about the MOMS Club, visit the Web site at www.momsclub.org. For help starting a group, send $2 to National MOMS Club, 25371 Rye Canyon Road, Valencia, CA 91355.

Mother at Home, an advocacy group for at-home mothers, has a Web site at www.mah.org. The Virginia-based group also publishes a monthly journal called Welcome Home.