He’s Right Here--Jabbing in Yer-Corner!

Now, look, I’ve had some success with this column from time to time. Made some enemies but also a few friends, and put food on the table.

Part of growth, however, is knowing when to change.

With that in mind, I’ve been taking particular note of the new consumer advocate reporter and latest great wild hope at ever-floundering KCBS-TV. You know, that man of the people, the bulldoggish, tough-talking, word-shouting, spittle-spewing, fist-waving, finger-jabbing impresario of Channel 2’s fresh-fron-the-drawing-board newscast segment, “Bogey’s Corner.”

And remember, I’m Mike BoguSLAWskiand I’m in . . . YER-corner!!!

Yup, that’s him. And I don’t mind telling you I’m mighty impressed with the way he sells a story by putting so much noise and body language into it that he’s in peril of rupturing something vital. Especially as my readers have been telling me for some time that I’ve become, well, gray and boring. So I began thinking. If a “Bogey’s Corner” works on TV, wouldn’t that approach be as effective in print? Then, an epiphany.

Why not Howie’s Corner?

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Now you’ve heard me say it over and over AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER! Y’HAVE TO BE A SMART VIEWER! DO I HAVE T’COME OVER THERE AND POUND YUH TO A PULP TO GET YUH T’UNDERSTAND?

But evuhry now and then, Y’NEED A LITTLE HELP FROM HOWEEEEEE!

So . . .

CHECK OUT THIS STOREEEEEE!

A female viewer called me about the new 4 p.m. KCBS newscast “Women2Women” with anchors Ann Martin, Katherine Anaya and Pamela Wright, “special correspondent” Kelly Lange, and entertainment reporter David Sheehan. This is the program that began with a pathetically small audience that shrank recently to less than 1 percent of thuh available TV audience. Take it from Howie, THAT’S SMALL!

The viewer said: “I was really looking forward to a newscast that was in tune with women as we approach a new millennium. But when I saw it, I was appalled.” She said she realized “Women2Women” was trying to copy the conversational tone of that ABC program, “The View,” which has been pretty successful. But she added: “These KCBS women trivialize themselves and the world by sitting around and chattering mostly about nothing of consequence. The worst was last week when they asked viewers to vote on whether Shari Belafonte, who joined the group Friday, should pose nude in Playboy.”

“It was so insipid,” the viewer added. “What KCBS is doing isn’t working, so why doesn’t it try something radical like putting on a program that addresses women as intelligent, curious and informed?”

THAT’S WHERE I JUMPED INTUH THE CASE! I watched “Women2Women,” and agreed with the reader. Evuhrything in that program was INSIHHHHPUD!

So I TOOK ACTION! I SHOUTED AND WAVED MY ARMS AT THE SET until evuhryone in that program STOPPED GETTING ON MY NERVES!

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Then I called the viewer, told her Howie had FIXED the problem, and BOY WAS SHE HAPPY!

She said: “It’s funny that they wouldn’t do anything to make the show better until you persuaded them.”

Exactly. Now isn’t it amazing! I jumped intuh the case--BINGO! IT WAS TAKUHHHN CARE OFF!

YOU GOTTA COMPLAINT, ALL YUH GOTTA DO IS CALL ME! ANOTHER VIEWER DID!

IMAGINE WATCHING SOME CHARACTER ON TELUHHHVISION NEWS. HE’S AGGRAVATING. HE’S FRUSTRATING. AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDUHHHN YOU JUST CAN’T STAND HIM ANYMORE. HEY, read what this viewer had to say to me about that.

“What is it with that new consumer advocate--this guy Boguslawski--that KCBS has hired? The part of his name that stands out for me is ‘bogus.’ I mean, is he for real? Where did they get him from, ‘The Sopranos?’ Every time I see him he’s throwing punches at the camera or jabbing his finger at the lens.

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“This is a classic example of a station underestimating viewers. I’m all for consumer reporting. But this guy is here only to pat himself on the back and attract attention to himself and the station. Does KCBS really think we’re dumb enough to be taken in by this bad actor?”

THAT’S WHERE I JUMPED INTUHHH THE CASE! I watched this Boguslawski guy myself, and evuhry second of the time I watched him, he was REALLY GETTING ON MY NERVES! My blood WAS BOILING!

So I pressed my nose against the TV, and when this Bogey guy snarled, HOWIE SNARLED RIGHT BACK! And when BOGEY’S spit flew when he got angry, SO DID HOWIE’S! And then for good measure, I GAVE THIS CHARACTER A FIST AND A STIFF FOREFINGER ALONG WITH MY SCARIEST LOOK, SWUNG MY ARMS as HARD as I could and SLOBBERED ALL OVER THE SET!

But I gotta admit, he was hard tuh) stop. So I did what I always do when something this aggravating is on teluhhhvision and I’m outta alternuhhhtives.

I TURNED OFF THE SET!

BINGO! It was TAKEN CARE OF! And was the viewer happy when I told him. So it was a good thing HE CALLED ME!

LISTEN! You gotta complaint? ALL YUH HAVE TUH DO IS WRITE OR CALL ME! I’ll GETCHA SOME ACTION! ‘Cause remember, I’m Howie RosenBERG and I’m in . . . YER-corner!!!

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Howard Rosenberg’s column appears on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. He can be reached by e-mail at calendar.letters@latimes.com.