LAUGH LINES
On the Campaign Trail: Donald Trump told Larry King he wants to give the country a change from Clinton. “A change? Trump’s a womanizer, he’s got marriage problems, he’s involved in all kinds of strange real estate deals--he is Clinton.” (Jay Leno)
Police Beat: Actor Jean-Claude Van Damme was stopped on suspicion of drunken driving. “Van Damme was driving around? Oh, that’s right--it’s his career that’s been going nowhere.” (Daily Scoop)
*
The Essential
David Letterman
Top 10 tips for living 100 years:
10. Break it up into a couple of manageable 50-year chunks.
9. Get at least 23 hours of sleep a night.
8. Have motivational goal such as outliving that punk Hugh Downs.
7. Daily exercise such as walking to the adult bookshop.
6. For the love of God, don’t name your kids “Lyle” and “Erik.”
5. If Chuck Knoblauch is at bat, wear a helmet.
4. Stay the hell away from the Hindenberg.
3. Keep telling yourself: “Willard Scott birthday greeting” . . . “Willard Scott birthday greeting.”
2. Forget that New Age crap--sweat the small stuff.
1. Avoid dying.
Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.
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