Rams Are Just a Kiss Away From Greatness

A review of Week 5 in the NFL, and now that Chicago quarterback Shane Matthews has pulled a hamstring and is using crutches, making him eligible for a handicapped-

parking placard, just a reminder to all concerned: it’s nontransferable.

SLOBBER CITY

Just another name for St. Louis.

After the Rams beat the 49ers on Sunday to end the Los Angeles/St. Louis losing streak to San Francisco at 17 games, the St. Louis Post-Dispatch sports columnist wrote:

“Georgia cried. Dick cried. A few players wept, too . . . Do you you want to cry too? Go ahead. Put the oldie ’96 Tears’ on the jukebox and do the DV [Dick Vermeil] sniffle. All of you. The great fans in the most underrated football town in America. Fans who have been asked to support and watch more bad football than any citizenry in the NFL. Congratulations, St. Louis. You have a football team.”

Three thoughts come to mind:

1. Talk about tears--ever read something and laugh so hard you are moved to cry?

2. Guess he never sat through a game in Anaheim Stadium, waiting a week and then going to the Coliseum.

3. How would he have written the end of World War II?

WAVING THE WHITE HAIR

Bill Walsh, the 49er boss, walked in on Vermeil’s news conference and proclaimed, “You’re going all the way, baby.”

This must be taken seriously because Walsh is a genius, coming to the conclusion five weeks into the season that the Rams are going all the way, which means the 49ers (3-2) might as well pack away their gear.

“I’m not supposed to smile,” said Walsh to the gathered media. “But what a wonderful victory.”

Kind of takes the edge off those pep talks that Walsh likes to give to the 49ers on occasion.

WHAT’S A WOMAN TO WEAR

That would appear to be the only significant issue confronting the Rams at this point, now that it’s a foregone conclusion Georgia Frontiere will be accepting the Lombardi Trophy from NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue.

She’ll want to know who Lombardi is, of course, and will ask that the silver trophy be made out of gold this time so as to not clash with her jewelry, but that’s where this thing is headed.

The combined record of the Rams’ remaining opponents is 18-29, which explains why Vermeil walked off the field with his arm around Frontiere, the two of them blowing kisses to the crowd.

They play the Panthers twice, and Carolina is 1-3. The Saints twice, and they are 1-3. They end the season matched against the Giants at home, the Bears at home and the Eagles on the road. There are only three teams remaining on their schedule with a winning record: Chicago, Tennessee and San Francisco.

A nice powder blue suit with a soft saffron scarf . . . now for the shoes.

WHAT A STRANGE GAME

* The Vikings scored 24 or more points in every game last season but have yet to hit the 24-point mark this season. “That little deal we had last year was a fairy tale,” Minnesota kicker Gary Anderson said.

* This guy Brett Favre’s not bad, but all this credit Green Bay General Manager Ron Wolf is getting for spotting Favre and being some great judge of quarterbacks is misplaced. He had Warner on his roster and cut him in favor of keeping Favre, Mark Brunell and Ty Detmer.

Before Monday night’s game, Detmer, Brunell and Favre combined had thrown 10 touchdown passes this season--four behind Warner.

* Famous last words: “I would have bet my life we would have stopped them on that last drive,” said Warren Sapp after Favre took the Packers down the field for a 26-23 victory over the Buccaneers.

* The fans in Philadelphia cheer as Michael Irvin lies on the ground seriously injured and boo when Deion Sanders kneels to pray over him. This inspires the Cowboys, Emmitt Smith said later, who then blow a 10-0 lead to lose.

* The Saints don’t seem to be all that worried about walking off the field to be chewed out by Mike Ditka. They have yet to score a point in the fourth quarter this season, and have blown a lead down the stretch three times.

* The Giants scored three points, and offensive-minded Coach Jim Fassel said, “I’m befuddled.” Just a hint: Kerry Collins backed up by Kent Graham might figure in.

* The Browns run a draft-day fake, making it appear they might take Akili Smith to get Tim Couch to sign a contract, then Smith comes back for Cincinnati and throws a game-winning touchdown pass with five seconds to play. Smith holds up his arms and beats his chest, prompting Couch to sputter, “It definitely angered me. It was like he was taunting our crowd, saying we should have picked him over me.” If only he could read defenses as well.

* Chicago Coach Dick Jauron says with a straight face, “We have the mind-set that no game is a fluke” after beating the Vikings in Minnesota. James Williams, a tackle who plays for Jauron, then reminds everyone what a fluky year this has been. “Anything’s possible,” Williams said. “Who would have imagined we would be 3-2 right now?”

* New England kicker Adam Vinatieri hit the right upright from 32 yards with four seconds to play to end the Patriots’ undefeated season, and then said, “I could probably go out there and hit a hundred in a row right now.” In other words, he choked.

AND FINALLY

Not everyone is gushing about St. Louis quarterback Kurt Warner’s performance, which so far includes 14 touchdown passes in his first four starts and a quarterback rating of 136--keeping in mind the NFL season record is 112.

“It really doesn’t take much to be the quarterback for this offense,” Ram wide receiver Isaac Bruce said.