Section Gee! Advice, Humor, Comics, Horoscope, Kids : Off-Kilter : Not Only Is He Leading a Dog’s Life, He’s Leading an Elderly Dog’s Life
Disease of the Month: As you know, September is chock-full of important festivities, such as International Gay Square Dancing Month, National Coupon Month (just detach September along the dotted line and you can get $1.50 off National Squirrel Awareness Week, which is Oct. 3-9), National Baby Safety Month (apparently it’s OK to leave the chain saw in the crib any other month) and National Subliminal (send all your money) Marketing (to Off-Kilter) Month.
But the event that worries us is a new one called Senior Care Health Month. Despite the name, it has nothing to do with the elderly or with students in their final year of high school or college. It’s for dogs. According to a press release, any bowser over age 7 is considered a “senior” and is more vulnerable to health problems.
The most severe of those problems is canine cognitive dysfunction syndrome. And the part that scares us is that we have all the symptoms, which include staring into space or at walls, wandering aimlessly, getting “stuck” in corners or behind/under furniture, barking at night for no reason, experiencing decrease in purposeful activity (exhibit A: this column) and urinating indoors.
That’s pretty much our daily routine. We also chase hallucinations of a tiny chuck wagon across the kitchen floor and occasionally forget what we’re talking about mid-
The Original Caesar Salad?: Ancient Egyptians used chopped lettuce to cover their bald spots, according to Discover magazine.
Alarming Trends Bureau: A Chicago choreographer has created a dance he hopes will replace the macarena in the new millennium. Known as the milly, it includes moves patterned after those of various Chicago icons, such as Michael Jordan’s dunk and Sammy Sosa’s home-run swing.
Best Supermarket Tabloid Story: Back-to-school season can be a big drain on the family budget, but it’s no longer necessary to take out a second mortgage to outfit the kids in stylish shoes, clothes and bulletproof vests.
According to a Weekly World News article headlined “How to Catch Demons for Fun and Profit,” you can easily make up the shortfall by bagging one of Satan’s little helpers.
“All you need to get started are a little moxie, a few bear traps [and] a rifle or stun gun,” says the tabloid. And if you’re wondering who would actually pay for your captured prey, WWN says not to worry: “Wealthy collectors buy demons. Colleges and universities buy demons. Churches buy demons. The Vatican buys demons. And the FBI, CIA and Pentagon buy demons”--for a going rate of $45,000 to $50,000 apiece.
Here are the basic guidelines:
* First, check with your local fish and game commission to see if you need a hunting license. “You don’t want to go to the trouble of capturing a demon only to have it seized by authorities as an illegal catch.”
* For bait, use New Age crystals, Tarot cards, Ouija boards, credit cards, women’s panties, hot dogs or Vienna sausages or windup chattering teeth, says WWN. Also, “because demons have a poor sense of smell, cheap colognes, ammonia or kerosene sloshed around traps may help you get their attention.”
* “Exercise extreme caution if trapping near any populated area. Capturing an innocent passerby in a bear trap is not only a tragedy, it will land you in prison.”
Unpaid Informants: Chicago Sun-Times, Wireless Flash News Service. Off-Kilter’s e-mail address is roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.
