Bell Rings All the Way to the Heavens

Complaints about noise in beach cities are not unusual, whether they refer to loud parties, noisy bars or car alarms on the congested streets. But the Beach Reporter came up with a new category in this week’s “Crime Report.” The newspaper said, “A resident living near a church in the 1800 block of Monterey Boulevard has complained of amplified bell tones coming from the church in the past year.”

No arrests have been made yet.

RINGING THE CHIMES FOR BILL: In Carpinteria, meanwhile, Deborah Shafritz of Goleta noticed a familiar name listed as a pastor in the “Churches--Charismatic” section of a telephone directory (see accompanying).

“When” she asked, “was the last time you saw the words ‘Bill Gates’ and ‘charismatic’ together?”

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UCLA GEOGRAPHY: As anyone who has ever visited UCLA knows, the campus is larger than some Third World countries. Getting lost is easy. And the pair of non-complementary signs spotted by J. Shen-Miller (see accompanying) won’t help clear up your confusion.

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ANGELENOS ON THE ROAD: A while ago, this column published a photo of a company sign that said, “Tuxedos/Camping Supplies.” Terry Griest of San Gabriel thought of that business when she saw a marquee outside Boise. (see photo). Said Griest of the Idaho store: “One-stop shopping for a shotgun wedding, I suppose. I see a great merger possibility here. Or would it be a hostile takeover?”

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STANDARD CONFUSION: The post office returned a letter to Dorothy Bronzini of Diamond Bar with the explanation that it was “nonstandard size,” thus requiring another 11 cents postage.

And what is “nonstandard”? Glad you asked! The notice to Bronzini said it’s a mailing:

“A. whose dimensions exceed any of these measurements: height, 6 1/8 inches; length, 11 1/2 inches; thickness, 1/4 inch; or

“B. whose length divided by height is less than 1.3 or more than 2.5.”

At least the post office could have given Bronzini a calculator.

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MORONS, ME AND NBC: Well, it’s been an unusual week here at Only in L.A.

First, Dr. Bernard Lewinsky, Monica’s father, phoned about a letter he received from the Clinton Legal Expense Trust, which had the gall to seek a donation to help pay off the First Family’s legal fees. Lewinsky sent me a copy of the envelope, on which he had written, “Return to Sender. You must be morons to send me this letter.”

Then NBC asked me to appear on the “Today” show to discuss the fund-raising gaffe. NBC even dispatched a limo (in part, of course, to make sure I showed up).

National TV! The prospect had me so nervous on the journey to Burbank that I felt my life passing before my eyes--not the least because the limo driver, Marc Collins, turned out to be an old junior high school classmate.

Since NBC was operating on New York time, the limo picked me up at 3:15 a.m. I was interviewed at 4:42 a.m. I was back in bed at 5:45 a.m. When I awoke at 8 a.m., I wondered if I had dreamed the whole thing.

miscelLAny:

After the fund-raising item appeared here, Associated Press reported a family friend saying that Dr. Lewinsky had received a previous appeal from the Democrats. That letter pictured Bill and Hillary Clinton, along with the words, “Thank you for your understanding for the last year.”