The Jaundiced Eye : OK, I Confess All

It’s become clear to me that I have no choice but to declare my candidacy for president of the United States. I think this country needs and deserves someone who will proudly stand up to her sinful past, not apologize for it, hide from it or weasel out of it. For anyone whose memory of the ‘80s is fuzzy, during my father’s presidency, it was firmly established that I am, in fact, a sinner. Drugs, debauchery, overly confessional books--the whole bit. I have nothing to hide.

This will save overworked reporters a lot of time; all they have to do is a Nexis search. And it will ensure that Kenneth W. Starr will get no employment because of me and the taxpayers won’t get stuck with a large bill. No need to investigate. I confess to everything, even things I don’t remember doing. Futhermore, I don’t need that pay increase Congress just passed; I’m perfectly happy wiht the salary as it is. I cna’t promise I will give up my work as a writer, but I could definitely use a day job.

This is not the first time I’ve considered a run for the presidency. There was that late-night party 20-some years ago when three of us--me, George W. Bush and Bill Clinton--sat around discussing who should take a stab at being leader of the free world. George W. was concerned that the media would unearth embarrassing details about his past. Bill said, “Well, that depends on what your definition of ‘past’ is.” I was trying to remember mine. . .I told you I’d confess everything.

George W. seemed quite worried about his reckless youth being dissected. I told him that he just had to be more forthcoming, more naked. Well, as you’ve seen, he’s not kind of guy. I, however, have been completely naked. In case you missed it, it’s the July 1994 issue of Playboy.

I haven’t decided where I want to come down on important issues, but that doesn’t seem to hamper anyone else’s campaign. George W. won’t even take a stand on whether humans evolved from apes or sprung from the head of Zeus.

You can, however, rest assured that I have chosen a running mate: Carrie Fisher, if she’d accept the offer. Carrie and I share the same birthday, which will cut down on party costs, and we’re both writers, which will basically eliminate the need to pay a speech writer. Also, if she’d grow her hair out again, we look alike, so we could switch roles if one of us has the flu.

And I don’t have one issue I’m passionate about, which is one more than George W. I plan to put the judicial branch of government under the control of the executive branch. Any court decision I don’t like, I get to reverse. I’d start with O.J. Simpson. I’m so tired of reading about him out on the golf course. I know the Constitution calls for three separate branches of governmnet, bu tthe millennium’s coming, it’s a smaller tree and we’ve changed the Constitution before, so what’s the problem?

A final postscript: I’m sorry, Warren, I really don’t want to compete with you. You read more newspapers than I do, and you’re much smarter. But I think there are a few lovers you haven’t told us about.