Jet-Age Gift With Budget in Mind

Better to Give Bureau: We don’t want anyone to feel obligated, but it is customary for readers to buy Off-Kilter a Christmas gift each year--preferably from the Neiman-Marcus catalog. Past trinkets have included his-and-hers submarines, an authentic mummy case and our own personal windmill.

We appreciate the generosity and sacrifices you’ve made. But we also realize many of you are on limited budgets this year. So we’re willing to forgo the fully furnished $47-million Boeing business jet in Neiman’s just-released 1999 catalog in favor of the unfurnished version at $35.25 million.

Sound and Fury: As if anyone needed scientific proof, a British airport has determined that the best way to scare birds off the runway is to play music by Tina Turner. According to the Times of London, a Gloucestershire airport official said: “We used to broadcast tapes with bird distress sounds, but we found they don’t work very well. What the birds really hate is Tina Turner.”

In a related story, scientists have also begun testing the side effects of other celebrity voices. Preliminary results indicate that Fran Drescher’s voice makes a great car alarm and Al Gore’s monotone keeps voters away from polls.

Give Trees a Chance: A JFK Jr. memorial forest has been established near southwestern Jerusalem by the Jewish National Fund. New York journalist Baird Jones reports that more than 300 seedlings have already been planted to honor Kennedy, his wife and his sister-in-law. The cost is $18 per tree. Similar memorial forests have been dedicated to John Lennon, Ingrid Bergman, film critic Gene Siskel and even Barry Manilow.

Who’s Afraid of Hurricane Floyd?: Hurricane names are getting too wimpy, says Minnesota-based name expert Bruce Lansky. He wants the World Meteorological Organization to ban names like Floyd, which don’t adequately convey death and destruction. He suggests Hurricane T-Rex, Hurricane Damien and Hurricane Moby Dick.

The meteorological group says it’s open to new ideas, but twister names are set through 2003. They include Harvey, Nate and Wilma.

Weird Polls Division: A survey of 500 humans who own dogs, cats, reptiles, fish, hamsters or donkeys as pets reveals that:

* 22% of pet owners decide which TV show to watch based on whether it will please their animal.

* 31% admit to taking a day off from work to stay with a sick pet.

* 9% would want George W. Bush to be their owner if they were a pet, 5% would prefer to call Al Gore master and 32% would like to belong to Oprah Winfrey.

Alarming Trends Watch: A McCaughey septuplets CD, featuring a duet by the children’s parents and a guest appearance by Kathie Lee Gifford, will be released in November.

And played at 105 decibels on airport runways starting in December.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “New 12-Step Program Can Cure Werewolves!” (Weekly World News)

The founder claims his Howl No More program (not to be confused with the Louisiana-based group Werewolves Anonymous) can heal lycanthropy in six weeks. Sample step: “Admit to God the nature of your wrongs. If you’ve ripped apart a hitchhiker and dined on his raw flesh, for example, confess this sin and ask God for forgiveness.”

Unpaid Informants: PR Newswire, Ann Harrison, Reuters, Wireless Flash News, PetsMart Inc. E-mail Off-Kilter at roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.