Uplifting Advances in Brassierology

Amazing Underwear Bureau: Women will soon start burning their bras again. But not as part of some feminist protest. They simply won’t need the antiquated devices once the new Techno-Bra goes on sale.

As seen in Discover magazine, the Techno-Bra uses miniature electronics and conductive fabric to monitor the wearer’s heart rate. If it detects a sudden change in pulse--one that indicates panic--it radios a distress call to police and identifies the bra’s location.

In case of accidental fright (or if the bra is inadvertently worn to a gym or discotheque), the alarm can be rescinded by pressing a “cancel” button on the front clasp.

Scheduled to hit stores in December 2000, the Techno-Bra joins a cavalcade of breakthrough brassieres, including the Armageddon bra from Japan, which has a shoulder sensor that detects incoming missiles, the It’s All You bra, which uses “suspension-bridge technology” to lift and separate, and the Victoria’s Secret Dream Angel bra, a diamond-and-ruby-studded undergarment that costs $5 million and is delivered by armored car.

We figure it’s only a matter of time before other bra innovations reach the market:

* The Unwelcome Stare bra: Has a sensor that detects excessive ogling by males and sprays them with Mace.

* Karaoke bra: Brings dull parties to life with a microchip library of 200 songs and a powerful Dolby sound system.

* Parachute bra: Built-in motion detector senses rapid descents and deploys emergency parachute.

* U.N. Peacekeeper bra: For travel in foreign lands. If civil war breaks out, bra emits a radio signal to summon help from United Nations troops. Optional superhero beacon also projects Batman logo into the night sky.

* Beanie Baby bra: Stun-gun technology temporarily paralyzes rival shoppers trying to buy Beanie Babies or other collectibles.

* Garage Door Opener bra: Includes special remote-control adapter that also overrides husband’s TV channel-surfing.

Off-Kilter Pop Quiz: If you phone the Vatican and get put on hold, the song you are most likely to hear is . . . (a) “Muskrat Love,” (b) “Jesus Christ Superstar,” (c) “Home on the Range,” (d) “Ave Maria,” (e) the “Jetsons” theme, (f) “Papa’s Got a Brand New Bag” or (g) “Nothing Compares 2 U” by Sinead O’Connor.

Answer below.

Pachyderm Thom McAn Bureau: To combat the growing problem of elephants stepping on land mines in Southeast Asia, a San Diego inventor has created special shoes to protect the creatures’ feet. Made from boron carbide, a compound used in armor plating, the pachyderm booties cost $10,000 a pair.

It sounds like a wonderful idea, but we think it’d be cheaper to outfit the elephants with those new Minesweeper bras that detect buried explosives.

Pop Quiz Answer: According to the London Telegraph, the Vatican on-hold song is (c) “Home on the Range.”

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Man Shoots Siamese Twin Brother in Head!” (Weekly World News)

Unfortunately, because the twins were joined at the side and shared the same circulatory system, when the victim died, so did the shooter.

Unpaid Informants: Wireless Flash News Service, Baird Jones, Martin Miller. Off-Kilter’s e-mail address is roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.