An Unconventional Candidate Touts Powdered Wigs and ‘Baywatch’ Classes

Mr. K Goes to Washington: Off-Kilter’s carpetbagger campaign for the U.S. Senate seat from New York continues to roll forward. Although we couldn’t afford a $1.7-million house like the pad the Clintons just bought, we did find a great deal on a cardboard box in Central Park that was owned by a homeless person. And we’re in escrow on a summer box in the Hamptons.

We’ve also been attracting campaign donations with our official slogan: “Will Legislate for Food.” However, pollsters warn that we face an uphill battle, so we’ve decided to improve our odds by also running for president.

Our plan is to seek the Reform Party nomination, since the apparent competition is even more ridiculous than we are: Donald Trump, Pat Buchanan, Ross Perot and Cybill Shepherd.

We’ve also devised an unbeatable campaign platform. For openers, we promise to restore dignity to the White House by modeling ourselves after the Founding Fathers and bringing back powdered wigs, like the ones worn by George Washington, Thomas Jefferson and Barbara Bush. Our motto: “Real Leaders Wear Wigs.”

Another pledge is to curb violence in the media, which we blame for the recent cases of senseless killings. We think it’s no coincidence that Hurricane Floyd, Hurricane Bret and the tornadoes that ravaged Oklahoma kept diaries in which they described their obsession with such films as “Twister” and “The Wizard of Oz.” So we’ll pressure Hollywood sleaze-meisters to clean up gratuitous weather violence.

We also plan to replace the entire educational system--at a savings of billions of dollars--with a nightly program of history, math, science and English taught by the cast of “Baywatch,” guaranteed to draw more interest than our floundering schools.

On foreign policy, we can’t believe everyone’s getting so worked up about East Timor. What about West Timor? Doesn’t anyone realize the emotional anguish suffered when a sibling is always the center of attention? We think a counselor should be sent over to help West Timor work through any unresolved issues and get in touch with its inner Timor.

Last but not least, we believe the rules for declaring states a federal disaster area are too lax. So far this year, 31 states have won disaster status from President Clinton, but only five had bona fide natural disasters. The rest were for things like “a tired, rundown feeling,” “chipped nails” and “missed the season premiere of ‘Ally McBeal.’ ”

This is a huge drain on the federal budget. If Off-Kilter is elected, only legitimate calamities (such as a concert tour by Kenny G) will qualify for aid. All other disasters--floods, quakes, famine and pestilence--will receive a lottery ticket purchased by the federal government for the affected state. Officials will be able to use the winnings any way they wish.

By the way, we still haven’t picked a vice president, but we’ve narrowed it to three columnists: Sheinwold on Bridge, Miss Manners or Hints From Heloise, who has some terrific tips for cleaning up toxic-waste spills and laundering campaign funds.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Flying Swami Sucked Into Jet Engine!” (Weekly World News)

Aviation authorities in India ruled that the pilot wasn’t at fault because the swami “had no business flying through restricted air space.”

Unpaid Informants: Chicago Sun-Times. Off-Kilter’s e-mail address is roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.