She’s Really Just an Extra in Boyfriend’s Parenting Drama
Dear Vicki: I have been living with a man since August and dating him for nearly two years. He has two kids, a 6-year-old girl and an 8-year-old boy. Their parents were separated for four years, and their divorce was final nearly a year ago. We have the kids every other weekend and on Wednesdays after school.
I feel that the ex is so bitter that her moods affect her son’s behavior. We have noticed a correlation in her behavior and his grades: She’s in a good mood, he gets good marks; bad mood, bad marks and no focus. When the children are at our house, we provide structure, love, and we have a lot of fun, but I am frightened by the anger I see pent up in the boy. He vents this anger on his younger sister, and once he even hit his best friend with a large rock. When this happens, Dad promptly takes his son aside, talks to him and gives him a timeout. I have tried to keep him rested, give him well-balanced meals and make sure he gets lots of exercise.
I have no children of my own and have no idea how to help the boy work out his anger. I suggested to his father that the boy see a child psychiatrist. Any thoughts?
--CAUGHT IN THE CROSSFIRE
Dear Caught: It sounds like you are doing all the right things. Unfortunately, this domestic drama isn’t really about you. Making a stable and loving second home for the kids is an incredible gift, as is providing support and understanding for your man, so I don’t mean to convey the idea that I don’t see the value of your contribution. It’s just that this drama began before you came on the scene and will probably continue in some form for as long as you date a man who was married with children.
Divorce is always painful and complex, but it’s stratospheric in its potential agony when there are kids involved. What’s your man doing about all this acting out on the part of his son? You mentioned that he was quick to act and talks to him about the inappropriateness of whacking his little sister or his best friend. Nonetheless, I wonder if he is missing the bigger picture here. If the boy is as full of anger as you think, then reprimanding him for his emotional explosions may be too little too late. Sounds to me like your man and his ex would be well advised to deal with the little boy’s unhappiness before it gets to crisis mode.
Even the most devoted dads (and moms too for that matter) often find themselves unable to move off the dime when their beloved children begin to show the side effects of divorce. Who knows? Maybe they hope that the other parent will get their act together and make everything “nice nice” again? Or perhaps, especially in the case of dutiful dads, they bury themselves in their work with the belief that being good financial providers is their most important contribution. Still others feel so guilty about throwing in the towel on a marriage, no matter how unhappy it was, that they are nearly blind to the emotional fallout--it’s just too painful to claim that kind of responsibility.
The one bit of wisdom that I might give in this very difficult situation is this: Try to keep your feelings and judgments about the shortcomings of their parenting to yourself. It is always so easy for people who aren’t “parentally attached” to see where other people are coming up short in their duties. I don’t think I have ever met a second wife or husband, or girlfriend or boyfriend, of a person with kids who has enthusiastically pointed out the terrific job of raising the shared kids the exes have done. It’s not just a blindness particular to them; I don’t know that many nonparent aunts, uncles or friends who rush to any parent’s defense, either. Everyone, except another struggling parent, thinks everyone else’s kids are “spoiled,” “neglected,” “manipulated by the other parent” or “hyperactive.” Don’t want to sound bitter, Girlfriend, but that’s the way I see it.
If you can overcome your worry and concern to the point of not criticizing their behavior, you may emerge as the hero who saves the day here for the boy and his parents. A trusted listener is hard to come by these days, and I’m willing to bet everyone in this hurting family could use a few moments of your time, maybe even the ex. Let’s not forget the daughter either; even though she seems to behave well, I’ll bet she could use a good ear now and then. Children and adults yearn to have their feelings heard and really understood, and you could be just what the doctor ordered, my dear Caught.
Time will probably be your greatest ally here. With luck, the ex will make her own peace with the divorce and the kids will stop reflecting her moods. In the meantime, bite your tongue and bide your time. It will be a gift to you and them.
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Vicki Iovine is the author of the “Girlfriends’ Guide,” a columnist for Child magazine and parenting correspondent for NBC’s “Later Today.” Write to her at Girlfriends, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, L.A., CA 90053; e-mail GrlfrndsVI@aol.com.