Love Might Hurt, but We Still Like to Watch

Are you single? Committed? Not sure?

Television is there for you--with an array of edgy relationship shows that capitalize on romantic waffling. “Change of Heart,” “Blind Date” and “Friends or Lovers” are among the programs currently on the air that explore dating, mating and a new ingredient--ambivalence.

Case in point: the national relationship-show leader, “Change of Heart.” Every episode features a young couple unsure if they want to stay together. Separately, they go out for one night with someone else, testing their commitment level. The pair report on their blind dates before a live audience, mediated by host Chris Jagger. They also reveal the pros and cons about their coupling with shocking candor.

The blind dates are interviewed in the mix as well. Each installment’s built-in tension comes with the question: Will the couple work it out or decide to split up? In the final moments, the girl and guy hold up separate cards that announce: “Stay Together” or “Change of Heart.” Sometimes, the pain of the discarded partner is visible when the “Change” card appears; sometimes, a decision to stay together elicits derisive groans from the studio audience.

Scott St. John, “Change of Heart’s” creator and executive producer, recognizes why the audience relates to the genre. “With the proliferation of cameras and technology and the number of channels we have, we’ve reduced what’s important enough to cover in television down to its most basic level: It’s humanity.”

According to Nielsen Media Research, season to date, the syndicated “Change of Heart” especially resonates with Los Angeles women. In its late-night slot, it’s No. 1 with females 18 to 34 years old, and No. 2 among females 18 to 49, just barely behind “The Tonight Show.” Roughly 2.6 million viewers nationally tune in to watch the show each night.

“Blind Date,” the second-ranked relationship show with about 2 million viewers nationwide, hosted by Roger Lodge, also showcases attraction and ambivalence. Two people are videotaped on a blind date; pop-ups inserted throughout offer wry editorial comments.

After the date ends, the guy and gal separately confess their real feelings about the outing to the camera. Will they have another date, or was one encounter enough? Once again, the climactic draw is the choice between sticking it out with a potential partner or calling it kaput.

USA Network’s “Friends or Lovers,” moderated by Andi Matheny, debuted in March, and explores relationship ambiguity with an added component. The setup: One pal doubts the trustworthiness of the other’s lover. The intervening friend tries to sour the other’s love relationship by revealing a secret. The romantic partner in question eventually takes the stage, joining the fray.

As part of the proceedings, the lover may “take the floor” to plead his or her version of the story, or to ask for forgiveness. In the end, the one in the relationship must choose whom to invite for a tropical vacation: the friend or the lover. If the lover is rejected, the implication is clear; the relationship is on the rocks.

The appeal of these shows for viewers, according to Dr. Tom Lewis, assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at the UC San Francisco School of Medicine and coauthor of the book “A General Theory of Love,” can be linked to a series of socio-psychological factors.

“As family and community ties weaken, as more and more marriages dissolve, as many in our society become lonelier and isolated, people are left with a tremendous hunger for human connection,” he says. “At the same time, they’re baffled about how to get the love they want and need. And so it’s satisfying for them to watch people on TV fighting the same fight.’

Some therapists suggest that these TV programs are actually healthy, authentic reflections of our 21st century struggles with romantic commitment. Daphne Rose Kingma, relationship expert, psychotherapist and author of “The Future of Love,” says: “In the last decades--in the self-help century--there’s been a myth that if you worked at a relationship hard enough, if you figured yourself out psychologically and figured out the differences between men and women, you could have a perfect relationship. But now we’re seeing this isn’t so. We’re getting a chance to see our ambivalence about relationships and how truly complex they really are.”

Kathryn Brown, psychotherapist and chair of the Counseling Psychology Program at Pacifica Graduate Institute, Carpinteria, believes that these new relationship shows--which test relationships, explore commitment quandaries and ambivalence--perform a healing function for our culture.

“People who go on these shows are willing to represent something in the collective,” Brown says. “If it touches this many people, then it needs to be spoken out loud so that people can get in touch with their own ambiguities or questions in a safe way.”

Critics of the new relationship shows categorize them as sensational “trash TV” and question their veracity.

St. John says that on “Change of Heart” the relationships and the situations are real. “This is a show that asks a lot of the people that come on it, frankly. We’re dealing with real couples in real situations, and there have been times when we get ready the day before a taping--everyone’s gone on their dates, we’ve found out all the things we’ve wanted to find out--and they break up the night before. Maybe they start talking to one another. One of them hears that their partner had a great date. They say, ‘I’m not coming on the show.’ That happens to us.”

“Friends or Lovers” host Matheny agrees. “They certainly reflect the culture as it is. . . . I do notice that the majority of women on our show are strong and have dumped boyfriends on a dime when they’ve learned of unacceptable behavior.”

Just how well do the results that play out on the shows match the real world? On “Change of Heart,” about 50% of the couples decide to stay together--about the same percentage for current marriages that last.

* “Change of Heart” airs weeknights at 5:30 and midnight on KCAL-TV.

* “Blind Date” airs weeknights at 6 and 11 on KCOP-TV.

* “Friends or Lovers” can be seen weeknights at 6:30 on USA Network.