Politics Too Boring? What About a Makeover?

Why is it that who wins the Oscar for best male actor seems more exciting to me than who wins the nomination for president of the United States at either party convention? I knew who was going to win the presidential nomination months ago. Everyone did. But who knew Kevin Spacey would beat out Denzel Washington for the Oscar? Then again, in 1948, I thought Thomas E. Dewey would win. Everyone did.

Personally, what color outfits Tipper Gore and Laura Welch Bush wear is a lot more exciting than who the vice presidential candidates are. After all, how exciting has any vice presidentever been?

As far as I’m concerned, both conventions could do with a Jenny Jones makeover. Who couldn’t do with a Jenny Jones makeover? Certainly, I could use one. Meanwhile, here’s my Top 10 List of Political Reforms:

1) Get rid of the elephant and donkey. The elephant has been the Republican symbol since 1874. If you’d been around that long, you’d be pretty tired by now, too. I’m tired just from last Saturday. The elephant, like my Aunt Edna, never forgets, and what Republican doesn’t want to forget 1972? (Aunt Edna reminds me every time I see her that 10 years ago I didn’t send her a birthday card.)

The Democratic donkey’s been around since Andrew Jackson ran for president in 1828. You’ve got to admit, there have been some asses in the White House Some, even, in my house.

A Pushme-Pullyou would be a far better symbol for the GOP--satisfying both the compassionate conservatives on the one hand (head) and the far-right Christian coalition on the other hand (head).

And a centipede would be a better symbol for the Democrats. Each faction of the party would then have a leg to stand on.

2) Hire a charismatic spokesperson. Let’s face it, neither Vice President Al Gore nor Texas Gov. George W. Bush would have given Cary Grant anything to worry about. No matter how much they try to be cool, Jennifer Lopez is never going to have the hots for either of them.

But, can’t you just see the Dixie Chicks bringing back those Southern Democratic votes. And the Republicans rallying around someone named Prince?

3) Get a new color scheme. Who wants to argue with George M. Cohan? It is a “grand old flag,” “the emblem of the land we love” and “every heart beats true under red,white and blue.” But in 1999, only 82% of the population in the U.S. was white, and that number is falling rapidly. Nobody’s cared much about Reds since the McCarthy Era (except for Warren Beatty); and Prozac is taking care of anyone who’s blue.

Green should be the official color of the GOP. It’s the color of money. Beige for Democrats--they’ve been so neutral, so wishy-washy about so many things lately.

4) Come up with a message people really care about. “Renewing America’s Purpose. Together.” Excuse me, Republicans, but that means absolutely nothing to me.

Now, if they came up with something like, “You’ll lose 10 pounds by voting Republican,” they’d get my vote.

On the other hand, “Vote Democratic and get a $50 gift certificate to the Gap” would also work for me.

5) Rename the conventions. It’s Wednesday night and I’m looking through the TV section to see what’s on. “Democratic Convention in Los Angeles” doesn’t even stand a chance against reruns of “The Golden Girls.” Call it “Sex in the City of Washington” and I’m there.

If the Republican convention had been called “Survivors: The Untold Story,” imagine the ratings.

6) Forget about political platforms. Put platforms where they belong--on the shoes of supermodels.

What we don’t need are more unfulfilled promises. Better to construct a runway and ask Naomi Campbell, Kate Moss

and Amber Valletta to model their Manolo Blahniks. Look what platform shoes did for Carmen Miranda.

7) Down with the balloons.

Conventions shouldn’t be run like birthday parties for 4-year-olds. You’ll never be able to get rid of all the clowns, but, instead of dropping balloons, I suggest they throw down money if they really want to get the delegates excited.

8) No more flag waving.

Flag waving, flag burning--how passe. Let everyone just hold up signs like the people on 49th Street do when Al Roker gives the weather on the “Today” show. Example: “Happy Birthday, Mom,” “Hi Grandma, I love you,” “Tiffany, will you marry me?”

9) Buy envelopes.

Eliminate the roll call and all that stuff about “the honorable delegate from the great state of North Wherever casts its 3 1/2 votes for blah, blah, blah.”

For real suspense, I’d use envelopes like they do at the Academy Awards and the Grammys. But I’d make sure Price Waterhouse was on hand to guard them with this group.

10) Show Jimmy Stewart movies.

Forget the whole thing. Show a Jimmy Stewart movie instead. Who doesn’t love Jimmy? The Dems could show “It’s a Wonderful Life”; the GOP, “Mr. Smith Goes to Washington.” Or vice versa.

Was there ever a time when it was hard to choose between candidates because they were both so appealing? I do remember stuffing envelopes for Adlai E. Stevenson, even though I liked Ike. But I was 21, and it was the first time I could vote for a president. Was I ever really 21? *

DRS (no caption), ILENE BECKERMAN / Los Angeles Times