LAUGH LINES

Child’s Play: “Some sad news: Macaulay Culkin and his wife have separated. The sad part is there’s two kids involved.” (Jay Leno)

Not Getting Involved: “President Clinton told a group of ministers that people shouldn’t blame Al Gore for the Lewinsky scandal. The president said: ‘I asked Al Gore to watch and he said no, he wouldn’t do it.’ ” (Conan O’Brien)

Out of This World: “This reality TV is getting out of hand. The guy who produces the ‘Survivor’ TV show is coming out with a new show where ordinary people go into space and live on the Mir space station. You go to space camp and compete, and the winner gets to go up to the Mir space station. It’s bad enough eating rat. How would you like to eat dried, powdered rat?” (Leno)

The Essential David Letterman

Top Signs You Have a Bad Travel Agent

10. You notice flight to “Paris” was awfully quick and all the cars have “Minnesota” license plates.

9. He suggests you fly out of Newark because “their drug-sniffing dogs aren’t as good.”

8. He keeps saying, “This trip will be good for our relationship.”

7. You’re sharing a beach bungalow with that naked guy from “Survivor.”

3. You want to go to China. He hands you a shovel and says, “Go nuts.”

2. Claims he can join you in the mile-high club right there on his desk.

1. You have a 23-year layover at O’Hare.

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