Parting Thoughts on the Convention

Convention Confidential:

Personal to Al Gore:

Hey, loved your speech. . . . You were remarkably lifelike. . . . I don’t know why everybody says you’re so boring, when more than half of the people inside Staples Center stayed awake until you were finished.

Who do I see about becoming a FOG--a Friend of Gore? . . . I’d like to book a night in the Lincoln Bedroom for late next January, if I don’t have to donate too much. . . . Maybe you could bring me breakfast in bed. Your daughter says you make a mean piece of toast.

Speaking of that daughter, Karenna Gore Schiff, she gave a fine speech . . . better than any Chelsea Clinton ever made, I can tell you that. . . . By the way, Al, maybe you’d know. Does Chelsea even have the power of speech? Who hit her “mute” button, anyway? Nobody can get Chelsea to speak up, and nobody can get either of her parents to shut up.

You’ve got a lot of support, Al. . . . Don’t worry just because the Chicago Tribune is already getting its BUSH DEFEATS GORE headline ready. . . .

OK, so you’ve been behind George W. Bush in the polls. . . . Go after the guy! Debate him, berate him! What’s he going to do, lock you up in Texas and order your execution? . . . Don’t answer that. . . . The idea of Bush becoming president is as scary to some of us as Charlton Heston with a shotgun and a shot glass.

Listen, about this Lieberman . . . he really hates Hollywood violence, doesn’t he? . . . I hear he wants to censor out the dog’s death in “Old Yeller” and the sled-burning in “Citizen Kane.” . . . He probably covers his eyes in “The Wizard of Oz” when the witch melts.

I suppose most of your pal Tommy Lee Jones’ movies are too explicit for Joe. . . . Just saw “Space Cowboys,” which features Tommy Lee in a nude scene. . . . I’m a big fan, but I, for one, would personally appreciate it if Joe Lieberman, when he becomes vice president, demands a change in Hollywood in which Americans will no longer have to tolerate any Tommy Lee Jones nude scenes.

Speaking of which, a 13-minute documentary directed by Spike Jonze was shown at the Democratic National Convention. In the film, Al, you give a guided tour of your Tennessee home, including a self-portrait of a naked and pregnant Tipper Gore. . . . What’s this painting called, First Lady in Ninth Month? . . . Who do you think she is, Demi Moore? . . . Well, I suppose it beats hanging a picture of Elvis on black velvet.

The good news is, once you’re in the White House, tourists will flock to Tennessee to see those two great houses there, Graceland and Goreland.

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Personal to the LAPD:

OK, let me say what others won’t. . . . Good work! . . . You people catch flak when you don’t do anything and catch it when you do do something. . . . I felt safer because the force was out in force.

Gotta tell you, I loved that story about the police “choreographing” protests with the demonstrators, showing them how to get arrested nicely. . . . What a sweet new approach to L.A. law enforcement. . . .

“Attention, demonstrators! Here’s what we want you to do!

“1. Please lie down in the street in alphabetical order. Or tallest to smallest, if you like.

“2. No profanity! If you need to chant, please say, ‘Down with . . . ‘ and not that nasty cuss word.

“3. Do not call us names! We will tolerate ‘cops,’ ‘fuzz’ or ‘The Man,’ but otherwise, watch your mouth.

“4. If you absolutely have to set fires, please be sure to douse them thoroughly when you’re through. Remember, only you can prevent riot fires.

“5. Don’t go pulling any funny business. Everybody repeat after me, three times quickly: ‘Rubber bullet protest stopper,’ ‘Rubber bullet protest stopper,’ ‘Rubber bullet protest stopper.’ ”

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Personal to You Democrats:

A last word about Loretta Sanchez and her party’s insistence that the congresswoman move her fund-raiser away from the Playboy Mansion because of what Democratic National Committee Chairman Joe Andrew called “the kind of message it would send.”

I wonder if these squeaky-clean, family-value Democrats who scolded Rep. Sanchez and questioned her “message” might be interested in a few passages from a novel I’ve been reading:

Like the one on page 77 about the woman being tied up.

Or the one on page 116 about the man watching a woman through the bathroom door.

Or the one on page 274 about the two naked women, fondling each other a few feet away from a 4-year-old boy.

Or the one on page 327, with the men being shot in the face, described in vivid, bloody detail.

Or the one on page 377, with one guy choking somebody to death and yet another guy getting shot in the face.

Rep. Sanchez, fellow Democrats, these charming excerpts come from the wholesome 1993 novel “The Disciples” . . . written by DNC Chairman Joe Andrew.

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Mike Downey’s column appears Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Write to: Los Angeles Times, 202 W. 1st St., Los Angeles, CA 90012. E-mail: mike.downey@latimes.com